Cure For Being Single

If anyone who reads this doesn't know, I'm single. So, while surfing, I came across an article on ways the bible suggests to find a mate. I was curious, and had to take a look. Normally, when I find articles like this, I save them for my weekly news update. This cannot wait that long. It will get posted NOW.

1. Marry a Captive Woman - I take this as marry a convict. Sounds like a great idea. I'll go to the nearest penetentiary, find me a nice convicted felon, and hook up with her in 8-10. The scripture also says when she gets out she is gonna shave her head, and a month after I can "go into her" (cues porn music) and be her husband. Hope she can pull off the bald look like Sinead.

2. Marry a Prostitute - My, what a great idea. The thought of marrying a woman who has slept with thousands of men is such a grandiose idea. I bet I could learn a lot from a woman of such high values and standards. I think I will go walk the streets, and ask some of the ladies of the nights hands in marriage. I hope this does not aggravate their pimps.

3. Find a man with Seven Daughters and Impress Him - Impress him huh? Hmmm.... Must I do some sort of trick, like juggle? Or must I perform an amazing feat, like drink a gallon of Whisky and lift up one end of a Volkswagen? Is there a listing in the Yellow Pages for men who have Seven Daughters?

4. Become the Emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest - Piece of cake. According to most Republicans I'm a communist. I will then move to the Ukraine, and run for President there. Easy fix.

5. Don't Marry - OK... not the advice I was looking for. See, I went to this article because I was seeking, not because I wanted to hear don't. Its like buying a self help book that just says "Your Fucked" on the inside.

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