Late at Breaking the News
Vioxx Defeats Porn - The number one spam is no longer about hot, juicy, big butt women in tiny bikini's who are willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy, oh no. The number one in spam is ads convincing you that you have a disease you don't have, that you just absolutely need to be medicated for.
Got A Permit? - A city council in Texas held up an ordinance requiring strippers to wear their permits while they are on stage. This does sound very necessary. I know I want to be very sure that a dancer is licenced, bondaged, and insured before she grinds me. I need to know the young lady went through whatever sort of rigorous screening dancers go through. Although I can spot them from a mile away, I would also like their permits to list if they are natural or modified, and what sort of modifications exist.
Speaking of Modified... - Anna Nicole Smith is in the news again. We all know she's nuts. We all know she is a surgery queen. We all know she married an old guy for money. We all know she is being cheated out of her pre-nup. My question is simple: why on earth would she choose a lawyer named Howard Stern? Thats right, she's crazy. Already answered my question.
Needs Modification - Kirstie Alley is dieting. Uh huh. She's going on Jenny Craig because her food is the "yummiest" and she helped her lose an entire 15 pounds 14 years ago. Guess what? Your a hell of a lot older. Your also 70 pounds overweight this time. Big differance. I see you going the way of Delta Burke. Just embrace who you are and be happy.
Mobile Phones Kill - And? Like anyone cares. Smoking kills. McDonalds kills. Pollution kills. SUVs kill. 4 Krispy Kremes and a Vente Caramel Machiatto from Starbucks every morning will kill. Doesn't stop people. Why? We like it. Don't do studies like that. No one is listening. We need our coffee and donuts for breakfast, our gas guzzling SUVs in bumper to bumper rush hour expressway traffic, fast food lunch, all while talking on the cell phone and chain smoking. Its the American way.
Where's My Keys? - This man, is a true Hoosier. Robs a store of 3 cartons of smokes. Unfortuneately he locked his keys in the car, and went back in the store and got mad that the guy in the store called the police after he left. So, he robbed the store of $50 too. Went outside, but forgot he didn't have the keys to his car, so, had to go back in. Grabbed a broom, and went BACK out. Busted his window, and started driving away. Was hard to drive away though. It was during a blizzard. He got stuck in a ditch during the chase.
Magic Snowball - Someone is selling a snowball on E-bay that they made from the snow that fell in Texas on Christmas. I figure it has to be magic or something, like making something like Frosty the snowman. Somthing. If someone does buy the damn thing, I'm gonna start selling anything I can find around my house on E-bay and post the stuff in my blog too. This is just getting rediculous.
Steroid League - This, is the greatest idea ever. Seperate leagues for drug users. One problem though. No one will watch the non-drug users leagues anymore. Who wants to watch a bunch of puny little guys when you can see the juiced up full on guys that are at the top of their game? Moral values my ass. Tell little Johnny he can't see Barry Bonds play and hit home runs, and instead is going to see Tim Snatoonski go for the consecutive game streak and see what little Johnny says.
Sleeping on the Job - Some guy fell asleep on the job. He worked on an oil rig. Doesn't sound too shocking yet. Lets add in the amazon, where anaconda's live. He got all eaten up. There is some sort of biblical moral to this I think, about hard work. If you wanna see pictures, click the link.
Heads or Tails - A judge needed to decide a childs custody for Christmas quickly between two parents a few days before. He did the only thing that seemed right, he got a big knife... no he didn't. He tossed the kid in the air and the kid landed on his head... so the mom got him. Well, that was partially true. He used a coin to toss, not the kid.
FUH2 - Interesting website. People take pictures of themselves, giving Hummer H2s the finger.
Law Sloth - Another Liberals blog. They have scoured a site called "We're not Sorry" of people who sent pictures in of themselves who voted for Bush. The pictures and commentary are HILARIOUS!!!!!
...and that concludes our news for the week.
Got A Permit? - A city council in Texas held up an ordinance requiring strippers to wear their permits while they are on stage. This does sound very necessary. I know I want to be very sure that a dancer is licenced, bondaged, and insured before she grinds me. I need to know the young lady went through whatever sort of rigorous screening dancers go through. Although I can spot them from a mile away, I would also like their permits to list if they are natural or modified, and what sort of modifications exist.
Speaking of Modified... - Anna Nicole Smith is in the news again. We all know she's nuts. We all know she is a surgery queen. We all know she married an old guy for money. We all know she is being cheated out of her pre-nup. My question is simple: why on earth would she choose a lawyer named Howard Stern? Thats right, she's crazy. Already answered my question.
Needs Modification - Kirstie Alley is dieting. Uh huh. She's going on Jenny Craig because her food is the "yummiest" and she helped her lose an entire 15 pounds 14 years ago. Guess what? Your a hell of a lot older. Your also 70 pounds overweight this time. Big differance. I see you going the way of Delta Burke. Just embrace who you are and be happy.
Mobile Phones Kill - And? Like anyone cares. Smoking kills. McDonalds kills. Pollution kills. SUVs kill. 4 Krispy Kremes and a Vente Caramel Machiatto from Starbucks every morning will kill. Doesn't stop people. Why? We like it. Don't do studies like that. No one is listening. We need our coffee and donuts for breakfast, our gas guzzling SUVs in bumper to bumper rush hour expressway traffic, fast food lunch, all while talking on the cell phone and chain smoking. Its the American way.
Where's My Keys? - This man, is a true Hoosier. Robs a store of 3 cartons of smokes. Unfortuneately he locked his keys in the car, and went back in the store and got mad that the guy in the store called the police after he left. So, he robbed the store of $50 too. Went outside, but forgot he didn't have the keys to his car, so, had to go back in. Grabbed a broom, and went BACK out. Busted his window, and started driving away. Was hard to drive away though. It was during a blizzard. He got stuck in a ditch during the chase.
Magic Snowball - Someone is selling a snowball on E-bay that they made from the snow that fell in Texas on Christmas. I figure it has to be magic or something, like making something like Frosty the snowman. Somthing. If someone does buy the damn thing, I'm gonna start selling anything I can find around my house on E-bay and post the stuff in my blog too. This is just getting rediculous.
Steroid League - This, is the greatest idea ever. Seperate leagues for drug users. One problem though. No one will watch the non-drug users leagues anymore. Who wants to watch a bunch of puny little guys when you can see the juiced up full on guys that are at the top of their game? Moral values my ass. Tell little Johnny he can't see Barry Bonds play and hit home runs, and instead is going to see Tim Snatoonski go for the consecutive game streak and see what little Johnny says.
Sleeping on the Job - Some guy fell asleep on the job. He worked on an oil rig. Doesn't sound too shocking yet. Lets add in the amazon, where anaconda's live. He got all eaten up. There is some sort of biblical moral to this I think, about hard work. If you wanna see pictures, click the link.
Heads or Tails - A judge needed to decide a childs custody for Christmas quickly between two parents a few days before. He did the only thing that seemed right, he got a big knife... no he didn't. He tossed the kid in the air and the kid landed on his head... so the mom got him. Well, that was partially true. He used a coin to toss, not the kid.
FUH2 - Interesting website. People take pictures of themselves, giving Hummer H2s the finger.
Law Sloth - Another Liberals blog. They have scoured a site called "We're not Sorry" of people who sent pictures in of themselves who voted for Bush. The pictures and commentary are HILARIOUS!!!!!
...and that concludes our news for the week.
posted by Michael at 1/04/2005 04:11:00 PM
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