News of the Week

Empor(ess) - Soon, there could be a new heir to the throne in Japan, and she's all of 3 years old. She will rule with an iron fist, crushing all who oppose her. Her first goal will be to bring back Japanese Imperialism. She was resently quoted as saying "Mine!!!" This is truly a sign of her evil plans. I fear for us all. She will bring Japan into the axis of evil. I think we should begin multi-lateral talks with Japan, to get her cruelty under control pre-emptively. That is if they can pass a law to allow a female to take the throne.

Cradle Robber - As punishment for sleeping with another man's wife, a man's niece has been betrothed to the man whose wife he slept with. Oh, forgot to mention. His neice is 2, and the man whose wife he slept with is 42. So the old guy will have to wait till the girl that he is robbing from the cradle is 18 to marry her. Sounds like a good way to get revenge at a brother you don't like though. Wait till they have children and sleep with another man's wife, who just happens to be poor and ugly. Get their daughter married off to a poor ugly guy.

Pill Changes Taste - birth control pills change women's taste in men. Makes them pickier. So ladies, stay off the pill until you start dating seriously. That is why none of us guys measure up to your high standards. It isn't our fault. Its all the drugs fault!!! Its cuz you are on DRUGS!!! Just say NO!!! Weren't you listening to Nancy Reagan and the D.A.R.E. program?

Strippers = Artful - A strip, er, gentlemans club in Idaho found a clever way around the nudity laws in the area. Hand out sketch pads and pencils one night a week, and it became ALL NUDE night. Oh yeah. It wasn't women getting nekkid and grinding, it was ART damnit. (Although some women do make it an art...) They even post some of the drawings. I'd love to do this. I do have mad drawing skills. I'm no Napoleon Dynamite, but I can do some pretty lifelike stick figures.

PETA Hates Candy - Animal rights groups now hate sugar and candy. Kraft did such a naughty thing. They made Road kill candy. Flattened lumps of sugar with tire treads on them. Just disgusting enough for kids to love them, parents to make faces, and kids to love it more. So, idiots are protesting the cruelty to sugar. To those idiots, I must say, I bite the heads off of animal crackers!!!

Another Cartoon Legacy Destroyed - The folks over at Warner Bros. have done it. They have destroyed the looney toons entirely. They are trying to turn the group into superheros. Not in the sense of Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century. That rocked. Like some sort of X-men on angel dust. I'm upset by this. Create new shit. Be creative. Recycle paper, aluminum, cars, and shit like that. Don't recycle the same characters, over and over and over and over again. It gets BORING!!!

Sixth Sense - Researchers say the brain has a "sixth sense" that helps us predict danger. I say bullshit on this one. Its dead in us humans. How many people stared at the big waves as they crashed ashore during the tsunami? How many people didn't move when avalanches, mudslides, and other natural disasters have happened? We can see or not see BIG SHIT coming at us, and not do a damn thing. More research money wasted. Just give me the cash, and I'll tell you the results. Used to have a sixth sense, now its as useful as holding an AA meeting at Ted Kennedy's house.

Saudi Oil Peaked - Saudi Arabia can't put out more oil than it currently is, or it risks damaging its oil fields. Damaged oil field = millions of barrels of oil left underground unreachable. This brings in, the dubs and Dickey oil plan. End the threat of WMDs, er... liberate the people of Iraq!!! Yes, liberty brings friends. Then that oil for food thing goes away, and we have free trade, right?

Bush Hates Science - dubs (not suprisingly) does not use science in his administration. Most major decisions involving things like ecology, global warming, space, and other things of a scientific nature, he doesn't take the council of top scientists on. He probably just flips coins, makes one of those paper fortune teller things, or does some sort of chanting. Science is bad, it has a tendancy to contradict religion. The earth was created in 4,006 B.C. and dubs won't have it any other way!!!

Ahnold Exposed - Little site about how Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger wants to bring his special version of Fascism to the US, and cripple all of us "Girlie Men."

Fellowship of the Ring - comparison of the quality of HD (high definition) and DVD versions of the movie. (note: High definition is WAY BETTER!!!)

Star Wars Episode III spoiler - A bunch of pics, and some storyline from the new Star Wars movie coming out May 19th. Its not as detailed as some spoilers I've come across, but it does give the main storyline info away. So if you don't wanna know jack shit, don't click. If you are too curious (like me) click away.

Mega 64 - Is it a joke? Is it a movie? Is it a joke of a movie? You be the judge...

You Know You're From Chicago... - This thing is sickly true. If anyone wants to know Chicago culture, read this. I am familiar with about 90% of them. A few left me clueless. I think it might be generational. There are also other regional ones on the site, for cities, states, etc.