Evil News and Webpages for the Week
Ultimate Loss - A train derails. 20,000 lost. Yes, 20,000 poor, innocent, young gallons of beer. I cried. They were so young, just waiting to be drank by the populus. Then again... If it was a budweiser product it was no loss. I am curious, does beer loss work like oil loss. I mean, someone spills a quart of oil in Idaho, gas goes up 25 cents a gallon in Chicago. Does this mean its gonna cost $10 for a can of Old Style?
Suspended - A girl was suspended for doing cartwheels during recess. Her father is protesting, and suing. I just have a few questions, as to reasons why the school would take issue. Was she wearing high heels and doing cartwheels into the elderly? Was she wearing a short skirt? Was she wearing underwear? Sometimes there is more to the story than "suspended for cartwheels."
Crybabies are Losers - Scientist believe that babies who cry a lot are stupid problem children, that will be problems to society. I'm sure the some sort of group, probably conservatives, will deem crying children as potential serial killers, and send them off to camps to preserve the moral fiber of society and the sanctity of children.
Dr. Death - A doctor has come up with a way to combine some common ingrediants, able to be bought at any stores, into a lethal combo, so that people can use it for suicide. Thats news? Big fucking deal. Someone wants to off themselves, I can list a large number of things that can be bought at stores, and used for the purpose: Drano, bleach mixed with lime away, a pound of rat poison, a gallon of antifreeze, 10 pounds of alka seltzer swallowed whole at one time, a cordless drill, a hammer and one nail, a picture of Rosie O'Donnell....
Health Clubs Kill - Working out in health clubs is hazardous to your health. There are germs on machines and towels that can't be killed. So quit working out people. Stop using that towel that the guy with leprosy left on the machine. Its not healthy. Sit at home and eat bacon, and wash it down with a big glass of gravy.
Hot Dog Recall - 50,000 pounds of hot dogs were recalled because they weren't cooked enough. Now, to some, a food recall is disturbing. This doesn't bug me. What bugs me are some other, little parts behind this story. It wasn't a large manufacturer. It was a small, regional manufacturer, that only supplies the northeast. The hot dogs are also not the common, cheap dogs. They are "natural casing" dogs, which are far less common. The sell by dates are all around December 15. So, in one month, the northeast eats 50,000 pounds of a little known brand of hot dogs, with natural casings. I would hate to know how many pounds of hot dogs our whole nation eats a month, between natural casing unknown dogs and common Ball Park and Oscar Meyer dogs. No wonder why our nation is overweight. We're made out of hot dogs.
Can I get them Digits? - A guy in Beijing paid $215,000 dollars for a phone number for his cell phone. Apparently, the number 3 is considered lucky out there. His number is 133-3333-3333. I think the guy is stupid, for blowing that much money on a cell number. If he wants, I will offer the services of my right foot, to kick him in the nuts 3 times for $33,333. I would also like to start a campaign. I want everyone to call him, and say three to him. Just go to a pay phone, use a phone card, call him, say three, and hang up. I'm sure he'll feel extra lucky then.
Disciplinary Action - Some guy was spanking his female employees for them screwing up. After a year of it, one of them complained. The place sold shaved ice. It was a fucking minimum wage job. To me, this is the definition of dumb. If I had a 57 year old boss try to spank me, I'd be screaming lawsuit the day I let them do it. If I had a sexy 20-30ish old female boss spank me, I'd ask what kind of retirement plan the place had.
Weight Loss Sprinkles - Some scientist came up with some "food sprinkles" that you put on food before you eat, that makes you eat less because repetative flavor makes you eat less. Great idea. Bet he is gonna sell them for one easy payment of $19.95 plus $4.99 for shipping and handling at 5am on the food network. Let me save all of you some money. Sprinkle bacon bits on all your food. Potatoes, steak, cereal, coffee, ice cream... I bet you lose weight. I bet it will be cheaper than his food sprinkles.
Winning the Lotto Bankrupts - So sad. "I won 10 million and I'm broke!!! Wahhhh!!!!" Well, all I have to say is this. You are stupid. If you know you won said money, don't give it all away to every person who asks for it. Buy the bar a round of drinks, but not a round of rolex's. Pay off your parent's house, don't buy them a 2 million dollar mansion. Its one thing to be generous, its another thing to be stupid. Its not like your going to be earning 10 million a year, because odds are you quit your job the second you won. I have no sympathy for people who give away all their money, and cry broke.
Anti-Liger Alliance - These people have opened my eyes to yet another problem mankind has brought upon itself. Read this page, read some links. I am afraid.
(hides in his closet, with his bedroom door locked and barracaded, making sure to bring thermos of coffee and a bottle of scotch with him)
...and that concludes our news of the week
Suspended - A girl was suspended for doing cartwheels during recess. Her father is protesting, and suing. I just have a few questions, as to reasons why the school would take issue. Was she wearing high heels and doing cartwheels into the elderly? Was she wearing a short skirt? Was she wearing underwear? Sometimes there is more to the story than "suspended for cartwheels."
Crybabies are Losers - Scientist believe that babies who cry a lot are stupid problem children, that will be problems to society. I'm sure the some sort of group, probably conservatives, will deem crying children as potential serial killers, and send them off to camps to preserve the moral fiber of society and the sanctity of children.
Dr. Death - A doctor has come up with a way to combine some common ingrediants, able to be bought at any stores, into a lethal combo, so that people can use it for suicide. Thats news? Big fucking deal. Someone wants to off themselves, I can list a large number of things that can be bought at stores, and used for the purpose: Drano, bleach mixed with lime away, a pound of rat poison, a gallon of antifreeze, 10 pounds of alka seltzer swallowed whole at one time, a cordless drill, a hammer and one nail, a picture of Rosie O'Donnell....
Health Clubs Kill - Working out in health clubs is hazardous to your health. There are germs on machines and towels that can't be killed. So quit working out people. Stop using that towel that the guy with leprosy left on the machine. Its not healthy. Sit at home and eat bacon, and wash it down with a big glass of gravy.
Hot Dog Recall - 50,000 pounds of hot dogs were recalled because they weren't cooked enough. Now, to some, a food recall is disturbing. This doesn't bug me. What bugs me are some other, little parts behind this story. It wasn't a large manufacturer. It was a small, regional manufacturer, that only supplies the northeast. The hot dogs are also not the common, cheap dogs. They are "natural casing" dogs, which are far less common. The sell by dates are all around December 15. So, in one month, the northeast eats 50,000 pounds of a little known brand of hot dogs, with natural casings. I would hate to know how many pounds of hot dogs our whole nation eats a month, between natural casing unknown dogs and common Ball Park and Oscar Meyer dogs. No wonder why our nation is overweight. We're made out of hot dogs.
Can I get them Digits? - A guy in Beijing paid $215,000 dollars for a phone number for his cell phone. Apparently, the number 3 is considered lucky out there. His number is 133-3333-3333. I think the guy is stupid, for blowing that much money on a cell number. If he wants, I will offer the services of my right foot, to kick him in the nuts 3 times for $33,333. I would also like to start a campaign. I want everyone to call him, and say three to him. Just go to a pay phone, use a phone card, call him, say three, and hang up. I'm sure he'll feel extra lucky then.
Disciplinary Action - Some guy was spanking his female employees for them screwing up. After a year of it, one of them complained. The place sold shaved ice. It was a fucking minimum wage job. To me, this is the definition of dumb. If I had a 57 year old boss try to spank me, I'd be screaming lawsuit the day I let them do it. If I had a sexy 20-30ish old female boss spank me, I'd ask what kind of retirement plan the place had.
Weight Loss Sprinkles - Some scientist came up with some "food sprinkles" that you put on food before you eat, that makes you eat less because repetative flavor makes you eat less. Great idea. Bet he is gonna sell them for one easy payment of $19.95 plus $4.99 for shipping and handling at 5am on the food network. Let me save all of you some money. Sprinkle bacon bits on all your food. Potatoes, steak, cereal, coffee, ice cream... I bet you lose weight. I bet it will be cheaper than his food sprinkles.
Winning the Lotto Bankrupts - So sad. "I won 10 million and I'm broke!!! Wahhhh!!!!" Well, all I have to say is this. You are stupid. If you know you won said money, don't give it all away to every person who asks for it. Buy the bar a round of drinks, but not a round of rolex's. Pay off your parent's house, don't buy them a 2 million dollar mansion. Its one thing to be generous, its another thing to be stupid. Its not like your going to be earning 10 million a year, because odds are you quit your job the second you won. I have no sympathy for people who give away all their money, and cry broke.
Anti-Liger Alliance - These people have opened my eyes to yet another problem mankind has brought upon itself. Read this page, read some links. I am afraid.
(hides in his closet, with his bedroom door locked and barracaded, making sure to bring thermos of coffee and a bottle of scotch with him)
...and that concludes our news of the week
posted by Michael at 11/13/2004 08:02:00 AM
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