The Late, Late News

Sexy Bag of Sticks Olsens - Yes, they are back in the news. Young dumb teen girls idolize the olsens for being nasty looking waifs, and make blogs about them. Its a whole "I don't WANNA eat" support group... online. I can't complain about this damn disease enough. Other places people would kill their brother for a jar of peanut butter. Here, we pick idols of beauty that look like a Somalian refugee.

Wise Budget - The new budget is out, and I love what we spend out hard earned tax dollars on. Salmon fortified baby food. Yes, feed your baby strained peas and salmon. Sounds easy to feed. In an age where I read salmon is high in mercury, and our government wants to put it in baby food. Shows how much we care for future generations.

A Fighting President - While attending an international conferance, "Dubya" smacked one of his Secret Service guy around like a red headed step child. Reasons like this are why I do have an appreciation for Bush. He's the type of guy that gets drunk and in bar fights. He's like a lot of my friends. I know one thing... I'd HATE to have one of them running the country.

P.E.S.D. - Post election stress disorder strikes the country. Thousands of intelligent, hard working liberals are depressed after the election. Many wonder why and how so many could be affected this greatly. Its simple. Intelligent, rational people, have difficulty understanding a redneck who graduated the sixth grade, running around firing his shotgun into the air, proclaiming victory, happy gays can't marry, improperly using the term "mandate" thinking it means men dating men being ended, before he picks up his unemployment check. We just can't comprehend those with IQs lower than 70, or how to appeal to their needs.

Ozzy Attacks - Ozzy jumped someone who broke into one of his mansions, but the burglar got away. I wonder if he screamed "I am Ironman" before attacking.

Virgin Mary Sammich - Someone bought a ten year old, grilled cheese sammich, because they think the image of the Virgin Mary is on it. I have one guess at who bought it. Texas oil tycoon. Has to be a southerner who is religious, rich, and unintelligent, so therefore, republican.

The Beast - Someone decided to put together a rather crappy video, and claim a movie is coming out on June sixth of two thousand and six... (6-6-06). We all know the antichrist is already here, and Dubya be thy name.

Suicide is a Good Idea - Three wives of a man in Tehran attempted suicide because one of the wives got an expensive pair of shoes. Glad to know that our western ideals and materialistic views aren't just to our culture, the middle easterners are just as fucked. For that, I salute you. (raises mug of coffee)

Plastic Bag Fee - San Francisco is considering charging people 19 cents a plastic bag when they go to stores. I love this idea. It will make check out lines twice as long. It will make people stop asking for bags on stupid things, like toilet paper and bottles of tide. Bags are for a large group of small items, not for anything you buy. The bag won't hold your 300oz bottle of tide. The thing will rip. Use your brain for once you twit.

Hogzilla LIVES - Well, did live. Till some bastard shot the legendary star of many low budget foreign films. Now where will the world find a replacement for a 12 foot long hog? Bastard buried it too. Asshole. Should have butchered it and cooked it. Mmmmm... Hogzilla bacon.

Illegalize Dodgeball - Some idiots on NY are talking about banning dodgeball because of children getting hurt playing it. Sick, sick, sick. We live in a country where we complain about how obese our youth are becoming, but want to ban them from playing any sort of games that don't involve a video game controller, and a fat plumber who has a very poor italian stereotype. I'll take a few kids with bumps and bruises for a healthy population. I played dodgeball with all my friends, I remember one serious injury... my second grade teacher broke her leg. The kids were fine. Its the old people that try to play that get hurt.

Church Causes Cancer - All those burning candles and incence do more than provide ambiance... they produce carcinigens. Want to avoid cancer, don't go to church.

Pornographic like 1669 - The worlds first known published book of pornography is being auctioned. It is said to make some modern works, possibly even Girls Who Suck Cock and Eat Cum seem tame. I have my doubts, although the thought of pasty pale women in corsets does have its appeal to me...

You Forgot Poland - Just click it... Just know... You CAN'T forget POLAND!!!!