News For the Delusional
Feminism at its Finest - A bar in Pennsylvania had advertised a burger unlike no other burger. This burger had a patty that weighed in at 6 pounds. This burger then had 5 pounds of fixin's added on to that 6 pounds of yummy ground cow flesh. If someone could eat that burger in 3 hours, they would be made into a legend, have their food for free, and get like, a t-shirt or something. Some fat dude of 400+ pounds tried and failed several times. So, a 100 pound 19 year old girl showed up and did it in 2 hours and 54 minutes. I think I'm in love.
Louder Than Love - A Swedish court has determined that really loud sex is not grounds for eviction, as long as the sex is done during normal waking hours. Get this in an american court, and it would be much different. Soon, it would get broken down to position, if it was a same sex couple, if there were just two, or if there were more people involved, if a camera crew was involved... The whole "sanctity of sex" issue. Then, there would be a proposed ammendment, preaching American's inalienable right to freaky sex...
Late Night Jogging - Arkansas police "finally" caught a man who has been jogging nude down a deserted road for months late at night. This one baffles me. The man has been, knowingly, jogging down this same road, for months, butt naked, and they haven't been able to catch him. I think he would stand out like a... naked man in the middle of the night on a deserted road? They don't know why he did it... I think he did it because... He liked to jog butt ass naked. Seems to be his motif.
No Paris at School - Everyones favorite waif/heiress/second rate porn star is in the news again. The simple life wasn't allowed to tape at a middle school, where they wanted her and Miss Richie to be substitute teachers. I can understand, although odds are the students would have the most accurate understanding of sex education in the country, and a low teen pregnancy rate after watching Paris's disgusting self in that tape.
Wardrobe Malfunction - Fox will not air a commercial during the superbowl that would have shown Mickey Rooneys bare ass. Mickey claims there is nothing sexual about it. I have no objection to Mickey's statement of nothing sexual about his nude ass. I object to that being disgusting. If people have an issue with seeing a young, attracitve woman's breast on TV, why would they not have an issue with seeing an old mans wrinkly ass on TV? Because it's supposed to be funny? So if the Golden Girls had an episode where the whole cast mooned the camera that would be... OK?
The Moss Grows On the North Side - Randy Moss lives in the land of make believe. He plays a game, and makes more money in a year than most of us will make in our lives. He can run around, and act like a child, and it doesn't matter. He can get fined $10,000 and it won't phase him at all. He'll continue to play football, because he is that good. Announcers and the media need to quit publicizing his little tirades like they do, because it gives him more shoe contracts, and pictures on video games, and more outside money. We have a purple monster. Just shut up and it might go away, or grow up. Besides, he looks like that little guy on the sprite commercials with his cartoonish fro. Its like a cross between a 1970's Hanna Barbara cartoon and Pokemon.
If I Were King of the Forest - Don King is suing ESPN for 2.5 billion for slander, because ESPN aired a story which said he was "a snake oil salesman, a shameless huckster and worse," and that he had even killed people. I just think the man looks funny and has the worst hairstyle to ever walk the face of the earth. Sue me Don. I'm worth negative money. I'll come out ahead you rich bastard.
Louder Than Love - A Swedish court has determined that really loud sex is not grounds for eviction, as long as the sex is done during normal waking hours. Get this in an american court, and it would be much different. Soon, it would get broken down to position, if it was a same sex couple, if there were just two, or if there were more people involved, if a camera crew was involved... The whole "sanctity of sex" issue. Then, there would be a proposed ammendment, preaching American's inalienable right to freaky sex...
Late Night Jogging - Arkansas police "finally" caught a man who has been jogging nude down a deserted road for months late at night. This one baffles me. The man has been, knowingly, jogging down this same road, for months, butt naked, and they haven't been able to catch him. I think he would stand out like a... naked man in the middle of the night on a deserted road? They don't know why he did it... I think he did it because... He liked to jog butt ass naked. Seems to be his motif.
No Paris at School - Everyones favorite waif/heiress/second rate porn star is in the news again. The simple life wasn't allowed to tape at a middle school, where they wanted her and Miss Richie to be substitute teachers. I can understand, although odds are the students would have the most accurate understanding of sex education in the country, and a low teen pregnancy rate after watching Paris's disgusting self in that tape.
Wardrobe Malfunction - Fox will not air a commercial during the superbowl that would have shown Mickey Rooneys bare ass. Mickey claims there is nothing sexual about it. I have no objection to Mickey's statement of nothing sexual about his nude ass. I object to that being disgusting. If people have an issue with seeing a young, attracitve woman's breast on TV, why would they not have an issue with seeing an old mans wrinkly ass on TV? Because it's supposed to be funny? So if the Golden Girls had an episode where the whole cast mooned the camera that would be... OK?
The Moss Grows On the North Side - Randy Moss lives in the land of make believe. He plays a game, and makes more money in a year than most of us will make in our lives. He can run around, and act like a child, and it doesn't matter. He can get fined $10,000 and it won't phase him at all. He'll continue to play football, because he is that good. Announcers and the media need to quit publicizing his little tirades like they do, because it gives him more shoe contracts, and pictures on video games, and more outside money. We have a purple monster. Just shut up and it might go away, or grow up. Besides, he looks like that little guy on the sprite commercials with his cartoonish fro. Its like a cross between a 1970's Hanna Barbara cartoon and Pokemon.
If I Were King of the Forest - Don King is suing ESPN for 2.5 billion for slander, because ESPN aired a story which said he was "a snake oil salesman, a shameless huckster and worse," and that he had even killed people. I just think the man looks funny and has the worst hairstyle to ever walk the face of the earth. Sue me Don. I'm worth negative money. I'll come out ahead you rich bastard.
posted by Michael at 1/15/2005 09:43:00 AM
Times
2 Comments:
"Then, there would be a proposed ammendment, preaching American's inalienable right to freaky sex..."
I don't know...in America wouldn't it be more like the inalienable right to be able to plausibly deny the fact that you even know sex and/or nudity exists? I mean, look at your other stories. People don't want to see nudity on tv, people don't want to see fake mooning at their football games, people don't want Paris around children, people don't want anyone jogging nude...seems to be a pattern. ;)
You may be on to something.
Sex will be banned, and reproduction will be done by test tube only, JUST LIKE IN DEMOLITION MAN!!!
Then, we will not be able to bathe nude anymore, and have to shower clothed, and use the bathroom clothed, and, and, and be born clothed, or get the ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!
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