Sarcastically Cynical News for 10-19-04

Anorexic Olsen twin is not in college, and back in rehab. Poor millionaire, "I DON'T WANNA EAT!!!!" Only in America. Most of the world starves, we have MILLIONAIRES who refuse to eat because they find the skin and bones look to be fashionable.

Dick Cheney, after being a whiny bitch that Kerry mentioned a fact about his daughter, that she likes to munch box, now wants to drop the story. I don't care if Kerry mentioned your daughter as being a carpet licker, don't make a difference to me anyway. Just accept it that the Republican party thinks your daughter is a subhuman that lives an immoral filthy lifestyle, and Democrats go big fucken deal.

Fox News had a story last night that according to polls, Kerry is viewed as being more intelligent, and Bush is more "likeable." Oh yeah? Big fucken deal. If the whole point was to elect the most popular kid in class, I'd vote for Dave Chappelle. Come to think of it, I'm gonna do that as a write in... Dave Chappelle as RICK JAMES BITCH!!! for president.

Bush is getting blame for lack of flu shots. Like he knew someone shot their jizm in them in england. Why don't we blame Kobe ass fucking that chick on his Bush's ass too? I don't like the guy, but JEEZUS H CRYST!!!

Brittany Spears is stepping away from the light to have children. Yeah. And she is gonna deliver a 9 month pregnancy in about 5 months. In two years, husband will leave her, take half, and begin courting Michael Jackson.

Eminem has a new video out. The songs best part is him screaming like Peewee Herman. Other than that, it sucks.

Barry Bond's ball is on auction. Some idiot is willing to pay over 100k on a fucking baseball.

Of course a bullshit lawsuit was involved in the whole situation. (In his best old man, wimpy nerd voice) I was at the bottom of the pile, when we all ran for the ball, and I had the baseball nestled between my legs, when he took it from me. The ball is really mine. Possession is 9/10ths jackass. You wern't smart enough to hold it tighter, and bite any motherfucker that came close, your fucking fault. Now go home to mommy and cry on her shoulder.

And that concludes our news for the day.