Weekend Otherworldly News
Splenda is Made With??? - Sugar and yummy chlorine. Mmmmm.... swimming pool. Yes. They don't mention that part in the commerical. They are getting sued for false advertisement, because they make it sound natural. What kind of dumb ass thinks "sugar substitute" sounds natural? Part of the lawsuit is rival no-calorie sweetener companies, and part is being done by the sugar growers institute. So, its the competition suing... Nice. Hope they all sue each other out of business, and we get to sweeten all our food with salt since it looks like sugar.
Mom's and Child's Weight - A study shows that overweight moms have overweight kids. We pay for this? I could have told you this for a lot less money. I'm sure genetics play a factor, but I'm sure that a few pounds of butter, twinkies, bacon, and french fries play a factor too. I have another guess. If Mom's bond by watching TV with their kids, the kids are more likely to be overweight than if they bond by playing outside. I think I deserve a ten million dollar grant for this discovery.
Reality Radio - We need this station. A psychiatric hospital in Buenos Aires has a radio show run by the patients. Its talk radio. Hours on end, of people in a pschiatric hospital talking about what is on their minds. The patients say it helps them out more than the docs and the drugs, that it is very thereputic for them. It draws a big audience. Sounds win win for me. Before American Idol, we have the premier of Psychiatric Ward 90210!!!
Obese Dancers - Now this is entertainment. 200+ pound dancers performing ballet. Most of us will never be able to see this. Why? Economic sanctions. Yes. Our government forbids us from seeing such a wonderful show of grace and beauty (not counting you north of the border Canadians). This ballet happens just south of us, in Cuba. Next up, after American Idol, Obese Dance Party USA!!!
Speaking of Cuba... - My homeslice Fidel gave one of his famed 8 hour speeches recently. He spoke about a lot of things, one of them being dubs inauguration speech. He said dubs had "the face of a deranged person.'' He then stated he wished it was only his face that was deranged. He got a standing ovation. All I can say is... GOOD PUNCHLINE!!!!!
Adopt a Road - So, you're driving down the road and you see a sign. The sign reads "American Nazi Party - Adopt a Highway." You are going to be shocked and appalled right? Write a nasty letter somewhere. That will do you no good. They pay the money, they clean it up. They even get ONE free sign. They can't be denied it because it would be discrimination. I know what I would do. I'd spraypaint "Kill Whitey" across the sign. The group has to pay for replacements. [ed. note: this blog does not support the killing of whitey.]
I'm a Survivor - A man was driving down a lonely mountan road, with nothing but his SUV and a lot of beer. It gets hit by an avalanch. He began to dig his way out, but he soon realized that he wouldn't be able to dig through it all. So, he used the beer, and drank it.... and pee'd his way out. He was found hours later, wandering the road. Drunk and alive.
Survivor 2 in France - A man goes into a cave to die. Of course he brings a flashlight. He gets lost. His flashlight dies. He eats clay and wood for 35 days. He gets found by kids ditching school. Uh, Mr... I don't think you wanted to die if you were willing to eat clay and wood for 35 days. Idiot.
Crazy Bear - Yet another boycott. People find this thing offensive. Its a teddy bear in a straight jacket that has a heart on it. Its called the "crazy for you" teddy bear. Mental health groups, human rights groups, and the Governor of Vermont are protesting it. Its a great idea. Anyone in a straight jacket isn't gonna ever see the damn thing anyway. If I was in love with someone in a mental institution, I wouldn't get them one. Get a fucking grip. The only thing I protest on the thing is the price. $70.
Internet Hoax - Ever get one of those chain letters that tells you how some company hates veterans? 90% of the time those chain letters are BULLSHIT!!! I read a news story on one about starbucks, and just decided to throw it in my news. Amazes me how we can watch the regular news, and think that it isn't true, BUT we get an e-mail that was forwarded from someone we don't know that says something about KFC growing chickens in a lab (which is false) and we believe it. Just do a search before ya forward shit. Here is a good site to check shit out on. (urban legend site.)
Most Popular Suicide Site - San Francisco is struggling with keeping people from committing suicide by jumping off the golden gate bridge. They want to put up a multi-million dollar suicide barrier. I call bullshit on this one. People will find another bridge to jump off of. People will find another way to do it. Its not like they are going to look to change their mind, because they couldn't do it off the golden gate bridge. Besides, you put up a suicide barrier, and it doesn't work, someones family will sue the damn city for it not working if it doesn't later on. We all know how this shit works. OR "I tried to kill myself, fell into the suicide barrier and broke my arm, and am suing the city for 10 million dollars for not making the barrier soft enough."
Porn Bagels - So, your career in the porn business is over. You cannot produce cheesy 1970's era porn anymore because it is not the 80s. What do you do? You open a deli and make bagels. What would it be like to know that the hands making your bagels, were the hands that were involved in thousands of bad porn movies? I'm hungry.
I'm Healthy!!! - There are a lot of do's and don'ts about health. I just learned one that I do, and I am going to keep on doing. Hahahahaha. Don't make your bed. That's right. Its healthier. Made beds grow more mold and mildew, and attract more dust mites. Unmade beds are healthier. So, you really were right when you thought mom was trying to kill you when she told you to make your bed.
Gizmodo - Robotic Porn Calandar?
Singles Ad - Craigslist. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I want one of the ones on the right hand side.
Mom's and Child's Weight - A study shows that overweight moms have overweight kids. We pay for this? I could have told you this for a lot less money. I'm sure genetics play a factor, but I'm sure that a few pounds of butter, twinkies, bacon, and french fries play a factor too. I have another guess. If Mom's bond by watching TV with their kids, the kids are more likely to be overweight than if they bond by playing outside. I think I deserve a ten million dollar grant for this discovery.
Reality Radio - We need this station. A psychiatric hospital in Buenos Aires has a radio show run by the patients. Its talk radio. Hours on end, of people in a pschiatric hospital talking about what is on their minds. The patients say it helps them out more than the docs and the drugs, that it is very thereputic for them. It draws a big audience. Sounds win win for me. Before American Idol, we have the premier of Psychiatric Ward 90210!!!
Obese Dancers - Now this is entertainment. 200+ pound dancers performing ballet. Most of us will never be able to see this. Why? Economic sanctions. Yes. Our government forbids us from seeing such a wonderful show of grace and beauty (not counting you north of the border Canadians). This ballet happens just south of us, in Cuba. Next up, after American Idol, Obese Dance Party USA!!!
Speaking of Cuba... - My homeslice Fidel gave one of his famed 8 hour speeches recently. He spoke about a lot of things, one of them being dubs inauguration speech. He said dubs had "the face of a deranged person.'' He then stated he wished it was only his face that was deranged. He got a standing ovation. All I can say is... GOOD PUNCHLINE!!!!!
Adopt a Road - So, you're driving down the road and you see a sign. The sign reads "American Nazi Party - Adopt a Highway." You are going to be shocked and appalled right? Write a nasty letter somewhere. That will do you no good. They pay the money, they clean it up. They even get ONE free sign. They can't be denied it because it would be discrimination. I know what I would do. I'd spraypaint "Kill Whitey" across the sign. The group has to pay for replacements. [ed. note: this blog does not support the killing of whitey.]
I'm a Survivor - A man was driving down a lonely mountan road, with nothing but his SUV and a lot of beer. It gets hit by an avalanch. He began to dig his way out, but he soon realized that he wouldn't be able to dig through it all. So, he used the beer, and drank it.... and pee'd his way out. He was found hours later, wandering the road. Drunk and alive.
Survivor 2 in France - A man goes into a cave to die. Of course he brings a flashlight. He gets lost. His flashlight dies. He eats clay and wood for 35 days. He gets found by kids ditching school. Uh, Mr... I don't think you wanted to die if you were willing to eat clay and wood for 35 days. Idiot.
Crazy Bear - Yet another boycott. People find this thing offensive. Its a teddy bear in a straight jacket that has a heart on it. Its called the "crazy for you" teddy bear. Mental health groups, human rights groups, and the Governor of Vermont are protesting it. Its a great idea. Anyone in a straight jacket isn't gonna ever see the damn thing anyway. If I was in love with someone in a mental institution, I wouldn't get them one. Get a fucking grip. The only thing I protest on the thing is the price. $70.
Internet Hoax - Ever get one of those chain letters that tells you how some company hates veterans? 90% of the time those chain letters are BULLSHIT!!! I read a news story on one about starbucks, and just decided to throw it in my news. Amazes me how we can watch the regular news, and think that it isn't true, BUT we get an e-mail that was forwarded from someone we don't know that says something about KFC growing chickens in a lab (which is false) and we believe it. Just do a search before ya forward shit. Here is a good site to check shit out on. (urban legend site.)
Most Popular Suicide Site - San Francisco is struggling with keeping people from committing suicide by jumping off the golden gate bridge. They want to put up a multi-million dollar suicide barrier. I call bullshit on this one. People will find another bridge to jump off of. People will find another way to do it. Its not like they are going to look to change their mind, because they couldn't do it off the golden gate bridge. Besides, you put up a suicide barrier, and it doesn't work, someones family will sue the damn city for it not working if it doesn't later on. We all know how this shit works. OR "I tried to kill myself, fell into the suicide barrier and broke my arm, and am suing the city for 10 million dollars for not making the barrier soft enough."
Porn Bagels - So, your career in the porn business is over. You cannot produce cheesy 1970's era porn anymore because it is not the 80s. What do you do? You open a deli and make bagels. What would it be like to know that the hands making your bagels, were the hands that were involved in thousands of bad porn movies? I'm hungry.
I'm Healthy!!! - There are a lot of do's and don'ts about health. I just learned one that I do, and I am going to keep on doing. Hahahahaha. Don't make your bed. That's right. Its healthier. Made beds grow more mold and mildew, and attract more dust mites. Unmade beds are healthier. So, you really were right when you thought mom was trying to kill you when she told you to make your bed.
Gizmodo - Robotic Porn Calandar?
Singles Ad - Craigslist. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I want one of the ones on the right hand side.
posted by Michael at 2/05/2005 12:39:00 AM
Times
3 Comments:
as usual your version of the news leavees me laughing so hard i almost snort tea out my nose! i love it mr t, you are hilarious and you crack my ass up!
Tea coming out of the nose sounds painful.
the knitting amazed me so much I had to incorporate it into my site. Note the new header.
Septic cheesy guy would probably dig swimming pool cake, urinal cakes...
I'm still feeling a bit off about that one.
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