That News Thing I Break So Well

Romanitic Huh? - In the northern Italian town of Padua, just 40 miles away from the town of Verona, a man committed suicide as his wife layed in a coma. Of course, she woke up a day later. That is why you never give up hope, and kill yourself. Idiot.

Undead - After declaring a man dead, his body was taken to the morgue. A few hours later, his body was found breathing. I have officially declared this man a zombie. He will begin craving human brains, to fulfil his zombie need for life. Only brains will keep him alive now. It is only a matter of time before his kind will take over the world. We are all doomed. I am going to go the way of the idiot from Padua rather than give in to the zombie conspiracy. I will not feed the zombie takeover of America.

Bionic Dolphin - A man created his dream, a big robotic dolphin. I fear this. I think he is going to mount lasers and torpedos and probably a few tactical nukes to the thing, and hold the world hostage for a few hundred bucks, a forty ounce, postage stamps, some bacon, an envelope, a cracker with the spread of chedder cheese...

Your Not Fully Clean - Got dandriff? Don't have to worry about it anymore, with new Llama Shampoo!!! Made with real llama anti-fungals taken from a live llama's bloodstream, and chemically reproduced in a lab. It even has that fresh llama scent.

New Weight Loss Program - If you sleep more, you will lose weight. That's what this study says. Shorting yourself on sleep makes you gain weight. Just 16 more minutes of sleep a day. They forgot to add that 16 minutes of sleep has to come during meals.

No More Straight A's - A new law might make it in Texas. It affects the school kids. Teachers get to give kids grades on if they are FAT!!! Yes, great way to boost a young childs self esteem. Straight A's and one big, fat F for FAT!!! Timmy is smart, but he's fat. I'm sure that will wear on him over the course of the years, lowering his wanting to go to school, till he no longer pulls those A's in class, and becomes a failure. Good idea.

No More P.E. - Since we are getting fatter (and getting F's for being fat), some schools are dropping physical education. The program isn't working, so, just dump it. Good idea. I have a better one. How about, if they actually educate students on how to be in shape? HUH? Yes, go off the name. Not just shove everyone on a basketball court, or volleyball court. One of those five days a week, make a class day. Could go back to the old days too. Same sex PE classes. Make the class HARD. Not fun and games. Then it might work too. Just a few thoughts.

Illegal Artwork - A 9 year old and a 10 year old have been arrested on felony charges for drawing pictures. The pictures did have a classmate hanging and with knives in them, but... it was just a drawing!!! Have you heard, counceling? Suspension. Expulsion. Then again, in the days of pre-emptive everything, you are guilty before commiting a crime. It does make things much safer that way. Fuck the law.

Vague Fondle - A law forbidding dancers from fondling customers in clubs in Vegas has been declared "Unconstitionally vague." Remember my constitional ammendment idea a few weeks back? I think this is paving the way for it. Oh yes. This is the beginning of the liberal snap back. Just watch. Billy is gonna have his falafel and eat it too.

Viagra Side Effect - Scientists discovered that viagra has a side effect. It may help enlarged hearts. I think I know why. It diverts bloodflow from the heart to other places of the body. Pretty simple huh?

David Getting Dirty - A few years after restoration, Michelangelo's David is getting dirty again. Tourists bring in large amounts of dust, contaminating the work of art. I of course, while reading the article, couldn't help but snicker at one part. When they mentioned "delicate features." I'm sorry, when you are talking about a several foot long marble falice, I don't consider it delicate.

Prom Princess - Now this, is the dress, to end all dresses. Its a prom dress. It is exactly what every mother and father would love to see their daughter wearing. I mean, it's perfect. She can go to the prom, no other girl in school will wear the dress, guarenteed. Plus, it has the benefit of her date only needing .0000000001 seconds to take her top off. That is what every parent wants for their daughter, right? Then again, her top will be off about eight times doing things like, standing still with a slight breeze blowing past.

New Ally in War on Drugs - Bar owners in Britain have found a way to keep people from doing coke off the top of sinks in the bar. Wipe em down with WD-40. Chemical reaction. I love this. I wanna wipe down peoples bathroom sinks with WD-40 now, just to piss off coke users across the country. Pepsi is so much better.

More Cartoon Backlash - Some PBS cartoon, Buster Bunny, is getting blasted because it has lesbian couples in the background in an episode. I have but one question. Was a big deal made, when Bugs Bunny dressed up as Brunhilda and gave Elmer Fudd a big kiss? I mean, that was cross dressing and homosexual all rolled up into one.

Space: The Wino Frontier - You wanna know why there are Trekkies out there, like me? Simple. Trek was about getting drunk and picking up women. Now out of my way, I need some Kanar.