Weekend Update with Mr. Toolbox
Gay Sex Weapon - In the early nineties, the pentagon toyed with the idea of a biological weapon that turned the enemy gay. This would have backfired on us severely. We would have faced the closest, most tightly knit, group of soldiers ever. They wouldn't have just been brothers, they would have been lovers. We would have stood no chance. Glad they scrapped those plans.
Spongebob is Gay? - Conservatives are now attacking Spongebob claiming he is a homosexual. This is not the first group of attacks on children's television by conservatives thinking a children's character is gay. Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies and Bert and Ernie are previous victims of slander for supposedly supporting homosexual lifestyles. I wonder if there was ever an attack on superman for wearing tights and his underwear on the outside?
Self Discrimination - A student in Washington was sent home from school because he would offend himself. He is openly gay, and on make your own T-shirt day, he wore a shirt with rainbows on it and had a phrase on it that said "Too Gay to Function" on it. The school took action, and sent him home before he offended himself. Luckily the kids with shirts on that referred to their genitals and gang affiliations were allowed to stay in school.
Covenant Marriage - Regular marriage not good enough for ya? The south came up with a new type!!! Covenant marriage. You get married, but you can't divorce unless there are reasons like "Cruel and Barbarous Treatment." I wonder if they came up with this to save the "sanctity of marriage" from those loving homosexual couples who want to marry, or because divorce rates in the bible belt are 50% higher than the rest of the country?
Yer Mom's Cool - Some high school kids mom in Colorado helped him throw some parties. She supplied the alcohol, marijuana, and methamphetamines to the kids friends. Oh, she also had sex with his friends too. Makes me think of the insults at school... "I fucked your mom!" "Yeah, so did Billy!" She only did it because she wasn't popular at school, and she finally felt cool. Awwwwwwwwwwww. Sooooooooo saaaaaaaaaad. Its good to teach impressionable teenagers to be drug addict, alcoholic, statutory rapists huh? That's what your doing, stupid wench. Have fun with your new cell mate.
Giant Baby - A woman in Venezuela gave birth to a giant baby. The baby weighed in at 16.7 pounds. Normal babies in that area weigh 7.7 pounds. I figure the kid is going to grow up to be about 14 feet tall, and weigh around 1500 pounds. He will eat trees and live cattle. He will sharpen his teeth with rocks and be impervious to bullets. Hopefully, the US military will be able to extract some of his blood, and clone him, to create a super army of him, to combat the army of Yao Mings that the Chinese are creating right now. Its the new cold war.
What Do You Want On Your Pizza? - A pizzaria in Florence lost a lawsuit when a customer sued when they found a tooth in the crust of the pizza. The pizzaria has yet to comment on how a tooth could have ended up in the crust. If a tooth is in the crust, I would really hate to know what is in the sausage.
Worst Breakfast You can Eat - This thing claims the worst breakfast you can eat is two egg McMuffins and two orders of hash browns. I'm in denial on this. I think I could come up with something much worse. How about... Hash browns, 4 scrambled eggs, 3 buttermilk bisquits with sausage gravy, short stack of pancakes, some bacon, toast with butter and jelly, a big ass glass of chocolate milk (whole), and a cup of coffee (cream and sugar)? -OR- some cold white castles and/or pizza that have been sitting on the kitchen table overnight growing bacteria for 12 hours?
Offensive Again - Since the FCC is full of a bunch of shitheads, everyone is afraid to air anything. Fox has blurred a rerun, that wasn't blurred when it was first run. What is it that they blurred? Naked cartoon ass!!! Yes, a rerun episode of the family guy showing bare cartoon ass was blurred for fear of FCC fines. Thanks for stepping down from the FCC son of Powell. Daddy isn't around to protect you anymore so you turned tail and ran.
Backpack O Crack - When in the mall, with your backpack filled with yummy crack, and the possibility of being caught, you dump your backpack. A normal person would count their losses and move on. Not a crackhead. They go to the lost and found later on, to get their backpack. Thats when they get busted for a bunch of crack, crackpipes, stuff to cook crack... Have fun on lockdown.
Children's Sedative - Mothers, ever have trouble keeping your four year old calm? Just not know how or what to do with them? Its simple really, do what this mother did. Just give your child some crack. Yes, crack. Thats what she told the police as to why she gave it to him. It was to calm him down. She's under arrest and he is in state custody.
Cat Woman - In, of all places, Roswell, New Mexico, a 71 year old woman was pulled over in a run down cargo van. She was transporting herself, and her 63 cats from Michigan to Arizona. There really are crazy old cat people in the world. Its not an urban legend. She's under arrest for animal cruelty, which could have prison time. I wonder if she's gonna turn into the crazy bird or rat lady in prison?
Canadian Childrens Hockey - I always thought that most of the crazy things that happened worldwide involving sports were soccer (football) or baseball, but apparently in Canada its Hockey. It covers the whole range of things. Father's kicking the shit out of coaches for benching their kids. Mom's flashing their boobs at games. It warms my heart to know that the Canadians are just as fucked up as us. I salute you Canada.
Pat on the Back - A bunch of students at a community college in Washington were so thrilled to see a recruiter on their campus for the war in Iraq, that their President told them they love, that they all decided to parade around the recruiters booth. The students excitement was too much, and the popular recruiter was escorted out by campus security.
2005 Conservative Women Calandar - Yes, a Calandar with the women of conservatism adorning its pages. Let me list some of the names: Ann Colter, Dr. Laura, Michelle Malkin, Condoleezza Rice, Shemane Nugent... Yes, I'm not about to go rush out and buy a copy.
Pit Fight: Cobra Commander vs. Megatron - The duel of all 80's cartoon evil bad guy leader duels. Not a cartoon (wrong day), but a great idea none-the-less.
Spongebob is Gay? - Conservatives are now attacking Spongebob claiming he is a homosexual. This is not the first group of attacks on children's television by conservatives thinking a children's character is gay. Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies and Bert and Ernie are previous victims of slander for supposedly supporting homosexual lifestyles. I wonder if there was ever an attack on superman for wearing tights and his underwear on the outside?
Self Discrimination - A student in Washington was sent home from school because he would offend himself. He is openly gay, and on make your own T-shirt day, he wore a shirt with rainbows on it and had a phrase on it that said "Too Gay to Function" on it. The school took action, and sent him home before he offended himself. Luckily the kids with shirts on that referred to their genitals and gang affiliations were allowed to stay in school.
Covenant Marriage - Regular marriage not good enough for ya? The south came up with a new type!!! Covenant marriage. You get married, but you can't divorce unless there are reasons like "Cruel and Barbarous Treatment." I wonder if they came up with this to save the "sanctity of marriage" from those loving homosexual couples who want to marry, or because divorce rates in the bible belt are 50% higher than the rest of the country?
Yer Mom's Cool - Some high school kids mom in Colorado helped him throw some parties. She supplied the alcohol, marijuana, and methamphetamines to the kids friends. Oh, she also had sex with his friends too. Makes me think of the insults at school... "I fucked your mom!" "Yeah, so did Billy!" She only did it because she wasn't popular at school, and she finally felt cool. Awwwwwwwwwwww. Sooooooooo saaaaaaaaaad. Its good to teach impressionable teenagers to be drug addict, alcoholic, statutory rapists huh? That's what your doing, stupid wench. Have fun with your new cell mate.
Giant Baby - A woman in Venezuela gave birth to a giant baby. The baby weighed in at 16.7 pounds. Normal babies in that area weigh 7.7 pounds. I figure the kid is going to grow up to be about 14 feet tall, and weigh around 1500 pounds. He will eat trees and live cattle. He will sharpen his teeth with rocks and be impervious to bullets. Hopefully, the US military will be able to extract some of his blood, and clone him, to create a super army of him, to combat the army of Yao Mings that the Chinese are creating right now. Its the new cold war.
What Do You Want On Your Pizza? - A pizzaria in Florence lost a lawsuit when a customer sued when they found a tooth in the crust of the pizza. The pizzaria has yet to comment on how a tooth could have ended up in the crust. If a tooth is in the crust, I would really hate to know what is in the sausage.
Worst Breakfast You can Eat - This thing claims the worst breakfast you can eat is two egg McMuffins and two orders of hash browns. I'm in denial on this. I think I could come up with something much worse. How about... Hash browns, 4 scrambled eggs, 3 buttermilk bisquits with sausage gravy, short stack of pancakes, some bacon, toast with butter and jelly, a big ass glass of chocolate milk (whole), and a cup of coffee (cream and sugar)? -OR- some cold white castles and/or pizza that have been sitting on the kitchen table overnight growing bacteria for 12 hours?
Offensive Again - Since the FCC is full of a bunch of shitheads, everyone is afraid to air anything. Fox has blurred a rerun, that wasn't blurred when it was first run. What is it that they blurred? Naked cartoon ass!!! Yes, a rerun episode of the family guy showing bare cartoon ass was blurred for fear of FCC fines. Thanks for stepping down from the FCC son of Powell. Daddy isn't around to protect you anymore so you turned tail and ran.
Backpack O Crack - When in the mall, with your backpack filled with yummy crack, and the possibility of being caught, you dump your backpack. A normal person would count their losses and move on. Not a crackhead. They go to the lost and found later on, to get their backpack. Thats when they get busted for a bunch of crack, crackpipes, stuff to cook crack... Have fun on lockdown.
Children's Sedative - Mothers, ever have trouble keeping your four year old calm? Just not know how or what to do with them? Its simple really, do what this mother did. Just give your child some crack. Yes, crack. Thats what she told the police as to why she gave it to him. It was to calm him down. She's under arrest and he is in state custody.
Cat Woman - In, of all places, Roswell, New Mexico, a 71 year old woman was pulled over in a run down cargo van. She was transporting herself, and her 63 cats from Michigan to Arizona. There really are crazy old cat people in the world. Its not an urban legend. She's under arrest for animal cruelty, which could have prison time. I wonder if she's gonna turn into the crazy bird or rat lady in prison?
Canadian Childrens Hockey - I always thought that most of the crazy things that happened worldwide involving sports were soccer (football) or baseball, but apparently in Canada its Hockey. It covers the whole range of things. Father's kicking the shit out of coaches for benching their kids. Mom's flashing their boobs at games. It warms my heart to know that the Canadians are just as fucked up as us. I salute you Canada.
Pat on the Back - A bunch of students at a community college in Washington were so thrilled to see a recruiter on their campus for the war in Iraq, that their President told them they love, that they all decided to parade around the recruiters booth. The students excitement was too much, and the popular recruiter was escorted out by campus security.
2005 Conservative Women Calandar - Yes, a Calandar with the women of conservatism adorning its pages. Let me list some of the names: Ann Colter, Dr. Laura, Michelle Malkin, Condoleezza Rice, Shemane Nugent... Yes, I'm not about to go rush out and buy a copy.
Pit Fight: Cobra Commander vs. Megatron - The duel of all 80's cartoon evil bad guy leader duels. Not a cartoon (wrong day), but a great idea none-the-less.
posted by Michael at 1/22/2005 02:21:00 PM
Times
1 Comments:
First, thanks for the compliment. Always feels good to get them. Inflates the ego a little bit...
I was sitting here trying to come up with some sort of quote, or song lyric, that seemed to fit the theme of my page and that one from KMFDM stuck out in my head...
I know what you mean on some of the conservative stuff. Some of the wars on stuff that get picked make no sense (like spongebob). There are so many more things in the world that are so much more important to worry about, which is why I make fun of it. If it wasn't for my sense of humor, I'd go nuts. Just remember, not all conservatives are bad, most are cool. There are only a few that are really horrible, and they have blogs, radio, and tv shows.
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