Toolbox News: You Hear It Eventually...
Jesus Day - This one is a bit old. Back in his days as Governor, dubs tried to instate Jesus Day in Texas. Yeah, he definately knows the seperation of church and state like is stated in the United States Constitution. George Washington was a deist, like most of the founding fathers. Get it straight people.
Beat It - This is amazing. Its a nylon rod, designed for beating your children. Its ad is riddled with lines from the bible. I am amazed that the way a good book can be turned into something an advertisement for child abuse, or just about anything else by taking a line here and there out of it. So, if you wish, be biblical, beat your children.
Corey and Jacko - Corey Feldman, has been subpoened for the little boy rapist case. Guess back when Corey was just a teenager, and doing heavy drugs and groupies, Jacko was showing him pics too. He was showing him some pics of stuff like, herpes, syphalis, and gonorhea. Yeah, educational VD books. Jacko was looking out for another child star. I actually have to give some props to him. You know he had to have gotton a case of the clap when he was in the Jackson 5 from some 19 year old groupie at the age of 11.
Is It On E-Bay? - A man is offering ten thousand dollars for a mummy that was lost years ago. It would only be 17 inches tall if it was standing up. He thinks its the mummy of some tiny people that once lived in North America. He also is looking for pieces of Noahs Arc, and Giants that once lived on earth. Uh huh. I think he should look for something more menacing, and dangerous: the asparagus people. They are green, about a foot high, with spikey hair, and sharp teeth. Carnivorous by nature. Scary. They must be erradicated. If you hear a tapping at your window late at night... it might be them. Watch out. They're coming for you.
Smoking Ban - Smoking is being banned in public. It is bad for peoples health. Oh, don't worry smokers, its not happening in the US. Its happening overseas. Yeah, how communist. Exactly. In Cuba. Where the #2 export is tobacco. Of course, as Fidel put it after quitting smoking "the best thing to do is give them to your enemy." Why must I be so fascinated by Fidel? That's right, Republicans call me a commie.
Droopy Draws Ban - Virginia's state house has managed to ban peoples underwear from showing. This must be a fun law enforcement. Know who I feel sorry for? Plumbers. They're screwed. what do you see before ass crack? Underwear. Any career field that involves bending over, with large people is done for. You can't help but your pants dropping down a little bit. Underwear peak out a little. BAM!!! Fine. I'm never stepping foot in Virginia.
Presidents Gone Wild - dubs decided to flash the world in his underwear while hanging out in Ireland. Yes, how conservative. He really speaks values to me. Hanging out having pictures taken in his underwear, waving the middle finger for cameras. That's conservative christian values for ya.
Till Surgery Due You Part - A man and a woman get married. One of them gets a sex change. Its now a man and a man married, or a woman and a woman married. What happens? That's the new question facing some states. They passed those evil, stupid, dumbass laws that ban a loving couple from tying the knot in a civil ceremony. Now, they have this issue to face. Can the state force a divorce? That sounds fascist. Government sponsored divorces doesn't sound like a small, moral, staying out of my business government.
Music Industry Genius - As the music industry quickly continues its witchhunt for its slouching record sales, placing the blame on the internet instead of corporate takeover of radio stations, and watered down sound alike recording artists, they filed a great lawsuit. They sued a dead grandmother. They sued a 3 month dead, would have been 83 year old woman who didn't know how to use a computer, for file sharing. Take a look in the mirror guys. Listen to what is being offered on the radio. Thats why sales are down. I have a cure for your probs. I'll post it one day.
Pimp My Ride - What would your mom do if you took the car, before you got your license? I'm talking a 1:30 am cruise to the video store, and you hit 2 parked cars, and a cop car? This one did nothing. Kid didn't even get a ticket, or charges filed on him. Did I mention the little freak was 4 years old? Little rat drove a quarter mile to the video store, found it closed, and drove BACK HOME!!! Got the car in gear, in reverse, back in gear, in park.
Modern Drunkard Survival Guide - List of survival guides for many situations. A.A. meeting. Fending off a religious nut. How to drink in a bar after hours. How to survive an intervention. How to survive being bounced from a bar. How to avoid being cut off....
...that's the news as I saw it.
Beat It - This is amazing. Its a nylon rod, designed for beating your children. Its ad is riddled with lines from the bible. I am amazed that the way a good book can be turned into something an advertisement for child abuse, or just about anything else by taking a line here and there out of it. So, if you wish, be biblical, beat your children.
Corey and Jacko - Corey Feldman, has been subpoened for the little boy rapist case. Guess back when Corey was just a teenager, and doing heavy drugs and groupies, Jacko was showing him pics too. He was showing him some pics of stuff like, herpes, syphalis, and gonorhea. Yeah, educational VD books. Jacko was looking out for another child star. I actually have to give some props to him. You know he had to have gotton a case of the clap when he was in the Jackson 5 from some 19 year old groupie at the age of 11.
Is It On E-Bay? - A man is offering ten thousand dollars for a mummy that was lost years ago. It would only be 17 inches tall if it was standing up. He thinks its the mummy of some tiny people that once lived in North America. He also is looking for pieces of Noahs Arc, and Giants that once lived on earth. Uh huh. I think he should look for something more menacing, and dangerous: the asparagus people. They are green, about a foot high, with spikey hair, and sharp teeth. Carnivorous by nature. Scary. They must be erradicated. If you hear a tapping at your window late at night... it might be them. Watch out. They're coming for you.
Smoking Ban - Smoking is being banned in public. It is bad for peoples health. Oh, don't worry smokers, its not happening in the US. Its happening overseas. Yeah, how communist. Exactly. In Cuba. Where the #2 export is tobacco. Of course, as Fidel put it after quitting smoking "the best thing to do is give them to your enemy." Why must I be so fascinated by Fidel? That's right, Republicans call me a commie.
Droopy Draws Ban - Virginia's state house has managed to ban peoples underwear from showing. This must be a fun law enforcement. Know who I feel sorry for? Plumbers. They're screwed. what do you see before ass crack? Underwear. Any career field that involves bending over, with large people is done for. You can't help but your pants dropping down a little bit. Underwear peak out a little. BAM!!! Fine. I'm never stepping foot in Virginia.
Presidents Gone Wild - dubs decided to flash the world in his underwear while hanging out in Ireland. Yes, how conservative. He really speaks values to me. Hanging out having pictures taken in his underwear, waving the middle finger for cameras. That's conservative christian values for ya.
Till Surgery Due You Part - A man and a woman get married. One of them gets a sex change. Its now a man and a man married, or a woman and a woman married. What happens? That's the new question facing some states. They passed those evil, stupid, dumbass laws that ban a loving couple from tying the knot in a civil ceremony. Now, they have this issue to face. Can the state force a divorce? That sounds fascist. Government sponsored divorces doesn't sound like a small, moral, staying out of my business government.
Music Industry Genius - As the music industry quickly continues its witchhunt for its slouching record sales, placing the blame on the internet instead of corporate takeover of radio stations, and watered down sound alike recording artists, they filed a great lawsuit. They sued a dead grandmother. They sued a 3 month dead, would have been 83 year old woman who didn't know how to use a computer, for file sharing. Take a look in the mirror guys. Listen to what is being offered on the radio. Thats why sales are down. I have a cure for your probs. I'll post it one day.
Pimp My Ride - What would your mom do if you took the car, before you got your license? I'm talking a 1:30 am cruise to the video store, and you hit 2 parked cars, and a cop car? This one did nothing. Kid didn't even get a ticket, or charges filed on him. Did I mention the little freak was 4 years old? Little rat drove a quarter mile to the video store, found it closed, and drove BACK HOME!!! Got the car in gear, in reverse, back in gear, in park.
Modern Drunkard Survival Guide - List of survival guides for many situations. A.A. meeting. Fending off a religious nut. How to drink in a bar after hours. How to survive an intervention. How to survive being bounced from a bar. How to avoid being cut off....
...that's the news as I saw it.
posted by Michael at 2/12/2005 02:51:00 PM
Times
5 Comments:
Jesus Day would be cool man. We celebrate Columbus Day and that guy and his men literally rode on the backs of the indigenous people as a form of transportation. I am much more offended by Columbus day and the commercial day of celebration revolving around St. Valentine.
Matt - Columbus isn't a religious figure.
Christ is the main figure in Christianity. I'd like to see how well it would go over if we tried to pass Muhammad day. He did teach peace.
As far as St. Valentine, I'll have a post on that one later. Already had ideas brewing on that one.
Mr. toolbox (what is your real name anyway?:)) i dig your site and commentary, you seem like a good guy to sit and have a beer with. that being said...What you got against religion boy! muhomad day... sure why not! i wish every day of the year could be a day about learning about religion. Religion is what we are made out of my friend, it is impossible to separate government and religion, persons and thier belief system. even though i dont want christianity to be a state required religion, one that would flog me in the street for not praying at noon, i am not opposed to religion. bring on jesus day, mohomad day, celestrial spirit day. We worship everyday in America... celebrity worship! i would rather get the gossip on jesus, a man that was said to have walked on water, than on jakos latest flu symptoms and plastic surgery updates.... does this post even make sense...
I actually have no beefs against religion. I love it. I hate what the mainstream has done to it. That is why my sense of humor has done some of the things you see on here with it.
Christianitys two holiest days, have turned into the worship of a fat guy in a red suit, and a bunny. The true meaning of both days is lost to a lot of people. As they fight, and curse their way through stores during Christmas, insulting employee's because there are no Gameboys in stock. Its not how God wants the birth of his son on earth celebrated.
That is why I have this sort of biting humor about the way I speak about it. I want the government out of my religion. The day there is a Jesus day, is the day someone will find a way to make money off of it, and capitalize on it. Shortly afterwords, frat boys will be running around throwing toga parties with hearts pinned on the front on Jesus day. Its not the way I want my lord and savior remembered and recognized.
I just think the more government recognizes religion, the more it cheapens and destroys it. That is why I fight it. Its my religion, not my governments. I want them out of it.
As far as my real name goes... I'll tell ya on your blog one day. I don't want mention of it on here. Its part of my special anonymity thing. Yeah, that's it.
Well said!
Post a Comment
<< Home