Billie Jean

I wish I had a pet goat. If I did, I would name her Billie Jean. Billie Jean would live in my back yard, eating all the grass. I would comb her soft, goat hair every day. Billie Jean would also eat all the beer cans that those darn neighborhood kids seem to throw out their windows and end up in our yard. If I'm lucky, she might even eat the neighborhood kids. That would be great.


I would milk Billie Jean, and turn her luscious milk into feta cheese. I would love the feta cheese almost as much as I love Billie Jean. I would eat the feta in on gyros, in salads, and even on top of a big, juicy steak.


Eventually, I would kill Billie Jean, by slicing her throat, and hanging her upside down to drain. I would then cook her, and serve her tasty flesh with a side of feta cheese, that was made from her very milk.


Yes, that would make me truly happy.

Are People Really That Dumb?

I'm watching the news on TV this morning, before I head off to school, and I get to see a brief quote/interview with a resident of New Orleans, Louisiana. "If we stick it out, and show that we're together on this, we'll prove that everything is gonna be alright."

What the fuck? Its a fucking HURRICANE!!! It has no feelings. It won't pay any attention to people. It makes 150 mph sustained winds. Storm surge of over 12 feet. In case you don't know what a storm surge is, to my understanding, it means sea level is no longer at 0, the water is fucking 12 feet higher than normal. For a city that is ten feet below sea level, that shit don't mix well.

NOLA is not going to be a city that smells like vomit anymore. Its gonna turn into a cesspool, as petroleum, and people's septic tanks get flooded and the city goes undwater. The electric pumps that normally keep it drained, will stop working because lightning and 150mph winds tend to knock out power.

Its natures fury at its most powerful. My ass would be in Te... Tennessee or Texas. I don't wanna try to show nature who is boss. Nature would beat my ass.

Ten Songs @ Random

• Simultanious by Chef (Isaac Hayes) from South Park
• Simultanious lovin, two or three... its every man's fantasy. So baby, please have an open mind.
• Water by Brak
• Brak is a character from Space Ghost. Well on all the spin offs from the original show, have made brak into this... Don Knotts on crack who sings insane songs. Water is one of the good ones.
• Bus To Beelzebub by Soul Coughing
• They were one of the most misunderstood bands from the nineties. Hip hop beats, walking bass lines, samples, and Mike Doughty's unique vocals. They only put out three CD's, and one greatest hits disc. This song, makes me wanna dance in my computer chair.
• Crocodile Rock by Elton John
• He was so much cooler back (during the first run) of wearing the wigs, and the glasses. He wrote a lot of upbeat songs back then... then disney got to him and destroyed him. *shakes fist at Walt, who secretly runs the the world from his frozen lair deep beneath space mountain*
• Hello Walls covered by Reverand Horton Heat with Willie Nelson
• One of my odd, but great songs. The Reverand covering an old Willie song, with Willie lending to the vocals. Makes me wanna laugh and cry. "Hello window, well I see that your still here. Aren't you lonely, since our darlin dissappeared. Well look here, is that a teardrop, in the corner of your pane. Now don't you try to tell me that it's rain."
• Shake Your Rump by The Beastie Boys
• A long time ago, the Beastie Boys put out a groundbreaking album called "Paul's Boutique." That album set their style, and changed Hip Hop forever. Too bad now they can't seem to do anything other than Intergalactic clones.
• Prayer by Disturbed
• "Let me enlighten you, this is the way I pray. Living my life's not hard enough, burn me alive inside. Living my life's not hard enough, take everything away." This song still gives me chills. The video was banned from MTV, since it brought on thoughts of 9/11. Leets just hope the third CD ends up being as good as the first two.
• All Along the Watchtower covered by Jimi Hendrix
• Yet another fine example of why Bob Dylan is a great songwriter, just needs a more talented vocalist to pull it off. Thanks for making this one a classic Jimi.
• Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog
• The first Seattle supergroup. Chris Cornell from Soundgarden and Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam on vocals, with the rest of the band being members of each band.
  
• Again by Lenny Kravitz
• I had to pick up the Lenny Kravitz greatest hits disc, for a couple songs. This is one of them. This song brings out my sappy, emotional side. Makes me think of an ex I have never gotton over.
  

Music Industries Crying Again

Seems after more years of putting out sub standard products, the music industry keeps seeing sales slip. They blame it on me and my blank CDs.

The biggest drop in sales is in Urban/R&B/Rap sales. I hate to break this to ya, but have you tried to listen to some of the rap that's getting sold nowadays? I can't repeat this enough, most of the rap out there is garbage.

This is what happens. Someone works hard, writes well, and makes it big. They then, start their own record label. They then sign all their friends to that record label, and they record CRAP.

Dr. Dre is the greatest producer in Hip Hop/Rap history. He discovers Eminem, and produces some good albums out of him. Em starts his own record company. He then signs.... D12. D12 put out cd's that are good for one song, the initial single, that is the only song that Eminem has a major part in. The rest of the disc is crap. Same can be said for Dre and 50 cent, Puffy and Mase...

Its not the blank CDs that's killing you. I can get around any copy protection with a $20 discman and a $3 cable, so "copy protecting" cd's won't change a DAMN thing. (especially since if you only allow a couple burns of that disc, the person can always rip the burned copy, which of course isn't copy protected. Idiots.)

Put out quality, unique, and original music. Not this mass produced, watered down, talentless crap you keep spoon feeding the public because the group is friends with someone, or because Jessica Simpson has big tits.

I'll spend my money on a good cd. A lot of other people will too. If I wanna hear someone with talents friends rap, I can find someone on a corner with a pail begging for change. If I wanna look at some blonde chick with big hoots, I won't buy a Jessica Simpson CD, I'll check out some internet porn. The internet was created for porn.

The Zit Fryer

Some company has a new invention, that kills zits dead. Its $225, and with its tip (my guess is a needlike thingy) it goes into the zit, heats it, thus killing off the acne bacteria. The zit disappears in 24 hours. The $35 tip is good for about 90 treatments.

I'd say if I get a zit, its gone in about... 2-3 days. Speeding things up by 24-48 hours doesn't seem like a bargain to me at $225.

The company is also coming up with versions that kill off cold sores and nail fungus.

I wonder how many folks would get really grossed out if you used their zit zapper or cold sore killer?

New Poll(s)

Hey kids, remember a few months ago, when I used to run polls every week? I have two polls to add this week, and just because its been soooooooo long, I'll post the results of my favorite poll ever (that I might have to change since that Christopher Walken 2008 hoax) along with the results of the last poll done.

2008 Presidential Election

1. 39% Homer Simpson with the Bee as his VP
2. 29% Dave Chappelle as RICK JAMES BITCH!!!
3. 20% Michael Moore, with extra cheese
4. 12% Bill O'Reilly with a falafel

What would you most likely buy from a Conveniance store, assuming food poisoning was impossible.

1. 38% Lottery Tickets and coffee
2. 25% Super Nachos and a Gallon of Fountain Beverage
3. 25% Sushi and Green Tea with Honey
4. 13% Gas, Smokes, and a new Porn Mag
5. 0% Andy Griffith sings old time Hymns CD

My two new polls are based off the Instant messenger theme. One is what is your favorite. The other is which ones do you use. Reloading the page (refreshing) will change polls. I'm gonna keep all three polls running for a couple weeks (the two IM, and the Pres election 2008) When I come up with a new poll... or get sick of looking at the old ones... I'll change it.

Google Talk

So, yeah... now its out. The beta version of google's IM. I got it. Don't have any opinions, since I don't have any contacts yet. But dorkiness took over and I HAD TO HAVE IT!!!

Need a GMail account to use it, of course. So, I had to get one of those. Just what I needed too, yet ANOTHER e-mail account. I think I have 13 now. I may have missed a couple, or have a few I don't know about, since surfing can magically create e-mail accounts.

Google Instant Messanger

Rumor has it, that Google is going to be launching its own instant messager service. To that I say, I'll be signed up in a second, but DAMN! Now I'll have to have 4 IMs running at all times.

Same Sex Couples and Kids

It was just a matter of time... Same sex couples in California get to have custody battles, pay child support, and all the other evils that can come from procreating. This gives a lot of rights, and acknowledgement, to same sex couples.

All you haters out there, its just a matter of time. Your gonna have a cute gay (and married) couple living on your block. Times change, and you will have to change with the times.

You Stole That Shit

A retired elderly couple went shopping at Wal-Mart. They got ten bags of steer manure. Forgot to pay for the shit (ARV $10) and got busted for attempted theft. Later on, they were found to be innocent in court. Just an oops on their part.

Well, Wal-Mart wasn't done with those shysters. Wal-Mart filed a civil suit against them, for $175. So here this elderly Bonnie and Clyde sit, do they fight the civil suit, spending thousands of dollars on lawyers, who aren't as expensive as Wally World's law team, or pay the $175. They paid the cash.

Eventually the billion dollar corporate America company came to its senses, and paid them back the $175. Poor Wal-Mart grandkids are gonna have to do without... ummm... hmmmm... Nah, I bet they are still loaded.

We All Got Left Behind, We Let It All Slip Away

It has begun. The state of Connecticut is suing the Federal government over dubs infamous "No Child Left Behind." It seems the state government claims its illegal because it requires states to test students, but doesn't actually give any money to do the testing. So, all the extra cost of yearly tests for students comes out of the money that used to be going to educate the students. Ingenius.

Testes, One, Two... Three?!?!?!

Pardon me for a moment, as I am experimenting with a new blog feature…  blogging with MS Works.  Not sure exactly how well the interface will work, if it will allow me to do pictures, or what.  Here goes attempt number 1, which just involves a different font, a link, and hell…  a picture.
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Just Be Richer Than That Jones Fella

A recent study shows that the top things that make someone happy are: health, income, education, and marital status, in that order. The odd thing about income is, it doesn't matter how much you make, as long as you perceive it as being more than your family and neighbors.

So, here is my take on the way to make sure you're happy.

First, you must live in a neighborhood whose income class is a step lower than yours. This neighborhood must be far away from any family members of yours that make more money than you. By doing those two simple steps, you practically guarentee yourself happiness on the income level.

Ow, Quit It

It might be just me...

...but this looks painful

Eminem's on Drugs? No Way!

We knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. Eminem has checked himself into drug rehab. Out of all types of drugs in the world... for sleeping pills. Know who else was a sleeping pill addict? Elvis.

This confirms it, Eminem is the new Elvis. His own referances weren't just funny, but true. I just can't wait till I see fat Eminem playing some casino in Vegas in fifteen years, of course that won't happen until after he gets drafted.

The Friday Random Ten

• Burn by Sister Machine Gun
• If you could magically mix together Depeche Mode, Nine Inch Nails, Jazz, and maybe even Enigma, you would either get crap, or something similar to SMG. Although I prefer their earlier, heavier work, they've just constantly morphed into a new sound with each CD.
• Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day
• Even I can't escape liking this song. To all haters of this song, listen to the lyrics. Its the most mature thing to ever come out of Green Day. If you disagree, well, expect to be flogged by the energizer bunny for an eternity, while being forced to listen to Clarence Carter sing "Strokin" with a bad cold.
• Feel Like Makin' Love covered by Ned Gerblinski from South Park
• What better than a horrible song covered by a cartoon with a voice box? Not much can top this one.
• Swamped by Lacuna Coil
• I've had an addiction to Lacuna Coil lately. Besides, its fun to say your listening to an Italian goth/metal band. People look at you crosseyed if you put it that way.
• Bloody Mary Morning by Willie Nelson
• Willie is a musical Deity.
• Stillborn by Black Label Society
• I finally got the urge to buy a BLS disc, which did not dissappoint. They are a fine example of old school metal. I'm now pissed I hadn't taken an interest in them sooner.
• Can't Change Me by Chris Cornell
• Song off his solo disc. This man's voice is just amazing. Be it his solo stuff, Soundgarden, or Audioslave, I can't get enough. The only thing that frightens me is I'm scared in 15 years he's gonna end up on a disney movie soundtrack singing about something. Disney likes to destroy all that is good in music and comedy.
  
• Liquor, Beer, and Wine by the Reverend Horton Heat
• This is some fine hillbillyesque music. If this man really did have a church, I'd be a patron.
• ATWA by System of a Down
• Another band I'm addicted to. They're fun to describe as being Armenian _____ metal. (the blank space can be used for a number of terms, such as death, heavy, folk, etc.) Good way to get stares on that description too.
• The I-95 Song (were you born an asshole?) by Jimmy Buffett
• Buffett rocks. Writes and sings a lot of fun songs. Songs about Margarita's, and cheeseburgers, and getting drunk and screwing....
  

When A Man Dies In the Throes of Passion

How does one write about a man dying during sex? Even if he dies while having sex with, his horse? What if his cause of death was internal bleeding from anal sex? (that makes said man the receiver of anal lovin from a well endowed horsie.)

This is one of those cases where, you don't even have to try to be funny. Dude never broke the law either. In his state of Washington, its perfectly legal to engage in beastiality. So, he bought a horse, had it kept on a farm that takes care of people's sex slave animals, and stopped by for conjugal visits.

I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person fantasizes about being ass fucked by a horse. That's just flat out nasty.

Cartoons, Only a Week and a Half Late

Lady...ing - Strongbad gives advice on picking up the ladies.

Sacred Space - Foamy invades Germaine's sacred space.

Poo and Wee - Its the Poo and Wee song!!!

Lust For Bust - The ultimate in skill games. This is an online game that actually prepares you for real life situations.

Our Next President of the United States of America

Christopher Walken 2008

"Our great country is in a terrible downward spiral. We're outsourcing jobs, bankrupting social security, and losing lives at war. We need to focus on what's important-- paying attention to our children, our citizens, our future. We need to think about improving our failing educational system, making better use of our resources, and helping to promote a stable, safe, and tolerant global society. It's time to be smart about our politics. It's time to get America back on track."

The Official Homepage of the Walken 2008 Campaign
http://www.walken2008.com

Terror Alert Change

Everyone, we no longer have to be "Highly Terrified" on mass transit, we just have to be "Elevatedly Terrified" on it, as we should be in everything else that we do. By keeping an elevated level of terror running through our veins at all times, we keep them from winning.

10 Songs, No Comments

• Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins
• Walk Away by Ben Harper
• Cradle of Love by Billy Idol
• Fire Water Burn by The Bloodhound Gang
• Seasons by Sevendust
• Sludge Factory by Alice In Chains
  
• ACF by Stabbing Westward
• Voices by Disturbed
• Outside by Staind
• Lost in Hollywood by System of a Down
  

I Like Beer, It Makes Me a Jolly Good Fellow

I sit here, drinking Captain Bastard's oatmeal stout, imported to me from the far off land of Utah by my friend Garlic Butter, when I read about yet another beer. (sidenote: Captain Bastards is some yummy shit. A strong, yet creamy stout with a hint of chocolate.)

This beer was voted best in the world. Its brewed by monks in Belgium. They only brew enough to pay for the costs of being monks. They live in typical monk fashion, silent, avoid creepy outsiders... but they have now sold out. No, not selling out in a music way like "dude, that band sold out on their second album." They sold all their beer. No more. Not amping up production either. Fortune? Fame? A monk seeks not these things. So, no more best beer in the world for a while.

(Mental note: do not go to Belgium until they are re-stocked.)

Intelligent Design... Another Theory

Thanks to Marieke, I have found out about a new theory on the creation of the universe. It is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I read the web page, and it just has to be true. They site many facts that are true. I see no point to argue... it has a lot of validity to it. Thank you Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is He who has touched me with his noodley appendage.

(Flying Spaghetti Monster Theory)

He Got Game

A 28 year old man in South Korea went to an internet cafe and began some online gaming. He only took breaks for the bathroom and brief naps for three days. Friends searched for him, found him, and he said he would go home after this game. He died minutes later, believed to be from a heart attack from exhaustion.

Now if only US gamers were that dedicated. We'll never beat other countries if we don't show their devotion. This man, who is only known as "Lee" is a martyr for the gaming cause. So get leveled up, find that hidden weapon, save up enough for better armor. Don't do it for yourself, do it for Lee!!!

Only Faith Can Heal You

Peroxide, Neosporin, Band-Aids, gauze... all junk science. If you are an athlete, and get a cut or a scrape, you need not any of these so called scientific cures. You need to be healed by faith. You need your coach to lick the blood from your wounds, and you will be HEALED my child.

Yeah, thats what some quack coach was doing. His athletes got injured, and he licked the blood from their wounds, which he claimed some other coach at some other school was doing, which would miraculously heal them, and let them return to playing. To add to the fun... he was also a science teacher.

Racist Mascots

The NCAA is finally cracking down on the racist mascots that adorn teams. No teams may depict American Indians as mascots in future tournaments. This is one strong step forward, but there is still one mascot I am against, that isn't affected by this ban.

That is the Mascot of Notre Dame. The "Fighting Irish" indeed. A good 1/16th of my lineage is Irish, so the degredation of my people as being green, shamrock wearing, street brawlers is detestable. Down with Notre Dame, and get them to change their horrid, racist mascot to something non offensive.

I think they should be the Notre Dame Cuddly Kittens.



Everyone loves cuddly kitties.

Yup, Its a Mandate

(partially stolen from Doug over at Hey Jenny Slater)

According to an AP poll, 48% of the population think dubs is honest, and 50% think he's dishonest. Those numbers are pretty close to the Presidential election.

That means we have a Mandate on dubs being a lying bastard.

Other polls in the article:

56% view his confidence as arrogance. Thats a double secret mandate.

His job approval rating is 42%. That's a mandate with extra cheese.

6 in 10 think the country is heading down the wrong track. Supersized mandate.

38% think he is handling the war in Iraq well. I think that goes beyond mandate. Its an orgy.

-BUT- two thirds think of him as Strong and Likeable.

So, here we have it. The qualities we choose in a president. A lying, arrogant person, who can't handle issues at home and overseas, BUT he's likeable.

We in America vote for the stupid popular kid, not the geek who could do the best job.

Junglebook + The Fox and the Hound = Pornography

I always said that disney was the downfall of civilization. This is yet more proof.

Crispy, Chewie, Music

• The Nurse Who Loved Me by A Perfect Circle
• "I'm taking her home with me, all dressed in white. She's got everything I need, pharmacy keys. She's fallen hard for me, I can see it in her eyes. She, acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys." Love this song. Its beautifully insane.
• Fueled by Anthrax
• What better than an old school metal song that quotes Friedrich Nietzsche? Yes, it may just be the infamous "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." But Anthrax do it so well.
• The Scientist by Coldplay
• The Coldplay song that started off my fascination with the group.
  
• Why Can't We Be Friends? covered by Smash Mouth
• They do such a great job at transforming this song from the original WAR tune into this. Quite the jam, in any form.
• My Heart Will Go On covered by A New Found Glory
• No one does a better funny remake of a horrid pop song than a mediocre punk band.
• Bullet in the Head by Rage Against the Machine
• Classic Rage song. I miss them. I'm grateful for Audioslave, but I'd rather have Soundgarden and Rage.
• Cigaro by System of a Down
• Good song, but even better since it makes fun of that damn milkshake song, with such lines as "My shit stinks much better than yours." Thank you Serj Tankanian.
• Jesus Hands by Jerry Cantrell
• How I miss Alice in Chains. Jerry has put together a couple of quality solo cd's, but he doesn't have the "head-bang-esque" nature on them, that chains had.
• Indifferance by Pearl Jam
• One of those rare, not on the Ten CD but actually good PJ songs. I wonder if they decided to go into seclusion because they weren't as good as the first CD led people to believe, or if they really just hated the industry that much....
• I wish I was Queer So I Could Get Chicks by The Bloodhound Gang
  
• The most politically incorrect musical group ever. Bringer of such songs as "Your Pretty When I'm Drunk" and "She Ain't Got No Legs." Absolutely hilarious, if you know not to get offended, and just take the humor.
  

No Helmet is Safer

Get this, your safer without the helmet. No, not bikes. Being circumcised, and removing the helmet from the tallywacker.

A new study in done in Africa, in an area where 33% of the female population has AIDs, there was a study done on men. 3,000 men were brought in, half had their winkies sleeve cut off, half didn't. They were then given counceling on safe sex, and sent on their merry way.

A few years later, all the men returned. The men with all their original equipment were more likely to contract HIV than the men who had theirs snipped.

It wasn't even close. The guys with turtleneck peepee's had a 65% higher risk of contracting HIV. More studies are in the works.

The Land of Misplaced Aggression

A man was pulled over and ticketed for speeding. He was outraged and furious. So, when it came time to go to court, and pay his fine, he knew how he would get his revenge on that police officer that ticketed him...

He paid his $120 ticket... in pennies. Yes, he brought a garbage can with 12,000 pennies in it to court. So, after going through that additional burden to get 12,000 pennies, and bring it to court to really piss off that cop... he was forced to wait in court by the judge, while the pennies were counted.

Great idea chiefy. You win the mental giant award for today.

Mars Chocolate Covered Diabetes Drugs

Mars, reknowned worldwide for being the makers of M&Ms, is getting into the pharmaceutical industry. They are claiming that a chemical componant of cocoa can be used to fight Diabetes.

Can't blame them for going into the drug industry. I see more ad's for anti-depressents on TV than I do candy. Zoloft is the new M&M, they just want to retake that market share.

Its just a simple reminder to all of us. Drugs won't fix all your problems, but chocolate will. So take a handful of M&Ms and call Dr. Orange, M&M in the morning.

So Ya Wanna Be a Rockstar?

During my blog reading, I came across a link posted by the Mighty Froyd.

For those of you who know about the huge controversy over unlockable nudity in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas... read this.