Anniversary Reminder

If my info is correct, one year ago today Teri Schiavo officially died.

So that none of us repeat her mistake, I am including a basic "living will" in this post. I figure my liberal following, and any moderate republicans would want one. I figure that's a good 80% of the population. Then there is the 10% that don't give a damn, and the 10% that thought Teri having seizures at the blinking christmas lights meant she could walk and talk just like you and me, but her husband was drugging her, regardless of what modern to primative science said.

Well, here's the living will:


I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors only interested in running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

• Beer
  
• Bloody Mary
• Margarita
• Scotch
• Martini
• Vodka and Tonic
• Steak
• Lobster or crab legs
• The remote control
• a Bowl of ice cream
• The sports page
• Chocolate
• Sex

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

The 2:45PM Gyro Plate

I have now officially discovered the best time of day to order a gyro plate.

2:45 in the afternoon.

It seems at this point, no one has ordered one for a bit. So the giant slab of vertical rotissarie gyro meat has a lovely crispy brownness to it. Now, too much of this is bad, so, when the guy realizes that for yummy gyroness to be a factor for the soon to be dinner rush, he should remove ALL of it.

So, not only do you receive yummier than usual gyro meat, you get twice as much. PLUS the guy gives you a really PHAT block of feta to go with all that meat.

Thank you Mr. Goodies II, for providing me with enough gyro meat for lunch, dinner, a snack, and three quadruple bipasses.

They Want You as the New Recruit

In order to increase enrollment, the Marines have changed their recruiting tactics. Besides sending numerous letters to me, a 29 year old hippy missing an organ, they also sent a letter to... a seventy-eight year old woman in a walker. Seems she has all they need. She speaks fluent english, and no other languages, which would be a help. They made sure to warn her that if she accepted their challange, she would be tested physically and mentally beyond anything she ever experianced.

Luckily, the woman is a true patriot and would do anything for her country... but nearly fell out of her chair she was laughing so hard when she got the recruitment letter in the mail.

I kinda wish she would enlist. I bet she'd make a good tank driver.

Dual Musical Challanges

In my late morning blog reading, I came across not one, but two challanges that interested me. Of course, they were musically related. Since I pride myself on such things as my odd taste in music, and having a particularly dirty mind, I had to take up both challanges: ten most embarassing artists (with number of songs) on the computer, and top ten stripper songs (the original was 3 songs you'd strip to, but since I can only picture myself ending up looking like a big leather guy at the blue oyster, I'm changing it to stripper songs. Besides, lyrically most don't suit a man shaking his groove thang.)

We'll start out with the stripper list, since the most embarassing will probably generate the most commentary. I left out the overplayed stripper songs (that I like), like Closer by NIN, Mysterious Ways by U2, How Do U Want It? by 2Pac, etc...

Top Ten Stripper Songs

1. REV 22:20 by Puscifer - Straight off the soundtrack to the first Underworld movie. Maynard from Tool and A Perfect Circle on vocals. This one makes Closer by Nine Inch Nails seem PG-13.
2. Brute by KMFDM - Germans. Industrial rock. And the line, "Brutalize me, I will heal." Nuff said.
3. Too Physical by Nine Inch Nails - Nine Inch Nails have too many songs that fall into this catagory. This one just happens to by my favorite. (Never was a big fan of closer, since it was too mainstream and people who didn't listen to rock were all on Trent's jock because of the songs chorus.)
4. Can't Get Away by Lollipop Lust Kill - One line, "She killed me, all with a bat of her eye, she used me up and threw me away."
5. Sins of the Flesh by Sister Machine Gun - There was a time when this band ruled my musical listening. Fine example of early nineties industrial here.
6. Guilty by Gravity Kills - Something about those Industrial rock bands and this topic...
7. Vermillion by Slipknot - Referring to part I.
8. Crazy covered by The Kidney Thieves - What better than the Patsy Cline penned by Willie Nelson classic covered by yet another... industrial rock band.
   
9. Bitter by The Union Underground - There is this intrumental, fast guitar section a little past halfway through... yeah, that's it.
10. Stinkfist by Tool - A song about self love will always make a good stripper song. Now if I had put down such other Tool classics, as "Prison Sex," "Hooker with a Penis," or "Opiate" (which is a song about being molested by a priest)... then you should have been worried.

OK, now on to the Embarassing list:

1. Cher (2) - Both are my mom's. I have them unchecked, and rated as low as possible, so that I will never hear them. Still, they are on my computer and eligible for me to be embarassed by.
2. Tatu (1) - I don't listen to the radio. I had a friend swear to all things holy I would love this song. I didn't. Yet... I didn't delete it. It will forever be a scar on my music library, reminding me to never trust him again on music, for getting me to possess a bad song by a group that was only famous because they dressed up in Catholic schoolgirl outfits and pretended to be lesbians. I really, REALLY hate dislike pretend lesbians.
3. Don Henley (1) - I blacked this one out of memory. Its still there though. That scar from the night out drinking, where you drank too much and ended up hurting yourself from a fall and/or someones curling iron being plugged in and on next to the sink...
4. Enrique Iglesias (1), Shakira (1) - One of my friends had broken up with her boyfriend, and wanted a bunch of music during the depressed time afterwords. So, me being a friend and the only kid with a broadband connection... This was back in the days of the original Napster I might add.
   
5. John Mayer (47) - Yeah... I can't defend this one...
   
6. Avril Lavigne (1) - I was curious about her cover of Fuel by Metallica. She re-affirmed a lesson I already knew. Metallica turned into a really bad pop rock band.
7. Sarah McLachlan (37) - Yes... a real list of songs with no excuse... point and laugh at the boy...
   
8. The Fugee's (1) - Off of the original Tibetan Freedom 3 disc. I really dislike that group. I really dislike hate Lauren Hill.
9. Shania Twain (1) - I have one of her songs so I could learn the lyrics to scare people on one of my karaoke adventures. The song? "Man, I Feel Like a Woman." I do a fine version of that song too, I might add...
10. Billy Vera and the Beaters (1) - I still don't know how I got this song. Demons or something. I don't like the song, although it does make me think of Alex P. Keaton and Family Ties. Poor Alex. A staunch conservative in a family of librals who think they're independant... heehee
    

Honorable Mentions: Milli Vanilli (1), New Kids On The Block (1), R. Kelly (1) - Girl you know its true... The Right Stuff... Bump 'N Grind... These songs make me laugh.
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (3), Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (2) - Nostalgia and old hip hop can be embarassing... at times.
Wham! (2) - Combo of inside joke, and a song that just makes me laugh.

Deep Thoughts: Mustache

I've been thinking lately about the mustache. You know, that hair growth beneath the nose of some men. Not the combination of a mustache with the goatee that everyone seems to walk around with now. No no. But the lone mustache, and those who now have it.

After coming up with numerous groups, I narrowed it down to four. Everyone who has a mustache fits into one of these groups. Even people from history can fit into one of these groups.



1. Porn Star - We've all seen em. These are the people who show off their sexual prowess through hair on their upper lip. They just emit a level of masculinity that others fear and/or respect. Famous "Porn Stars" are Ron Jeremy, Super Mario, Rip Taylor, and Irene Ryan.



2. Stuck in the Eighties/Gay - The infamous group number two. Its filled with those we make fun of (stuck in the eighties) and those we love (gay). The two truly go hand in hand in the world of the mustachioed. Some who fall into this catagory are Tom Selleck, Freddie Mercury, Hulk Hogan, and Geraldo Rivera.



3. Wilford Brimley - this group is that older guy. You know he's well past his prime, but you know better than to mess with him, cuz he'll kill you and skin you with his rusted out swiss army knife before you can ask him if he got it on with Miss Daisy. People who fall into this catagory are Wilford Brimley, Cheech Marin, Mr. Belvedere, and Saddam Hussein.



4. Child Molestors/Serial Killers - Then, there is this group. The sick element of society. Some well known people fall into this catagory: Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolph Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, and Don King (He's been molesting Tyson for years).

I hope this brings all of you into a deeper understanding of the mustache, and its significance.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

One of the scariest things that could happen, has been mentioned. You know how dubs is all big on pre-emptive attacking? North Korea says it can pre-pre-empt the US.

Great, now we have Kimmie the Ill running around pointing at the nuclear hard on in his pants, telling dubs he can sodomize him before dubs can take a dump on North Korea.

Then again, maybe g dubs will come up with something new, like "double secret pre-emption" and coin a phrase like "tactical nuckler death rattle" and bring peace through creating a pacific rim atomic wasteland.

Then again, I wouldn't blame him if he did.

Kim Jong Mos Ill just publicly threatened us. Pretty much mentioned it in the same paragraph as he was hinting at North Korea's nuclear capability, and we'll probably sit around and do nothing. Why?

North Korea doesn't have anything we want. There is no money to be made off of conquering North Korea. So, we'll stick to dipolomacy. Unlike Iraq, where they are sitting on a shitload of oil for Halliburton and other companies to profit from.

Just goes to prove, once again. The war in Iraq had nothing to do about a threat to us. It was all about the money. dubs needed some bling for him and his buddies, and to avenge his daddy.

That's what our brother's and sisters, friends, sons and daughters... our family, is over there getting hurt, scarred, and dying for. To increase gross profits and revenge.

I wish it wasn't the case.

Some People Don't Know When To Quit

I don't understand these kids today. The tattoos and the piercings are out of control. Like this sessay 60 year old who has a full body tattoo. (she's naked, so if you don't want to see a nude, 60 year old woman with a full body tattoo and piercings all over, don't click this.

And, if people who have gone way overboard on the piercings bugs you, don't click this.

For the sake of remaining a good 10% family like, I leave the tendercrispbaconcheddarranch video on display in the winder.

St. Patrick's Day (Best of)

Sometimes, the endless opinions of myself are repeated. So, what better way to do it than to just cut and paste my St. Patrick's Day post from last year...

It's only been a month, and yet we have another holiday named after a Saint. As I explained in the past, Saints are Roman Catholic. Saints are deemed saints by none other than the Pope. If you are not Catholic and celebrate anything to do with a Saint, you are a heretic.

Saint Patrick was not irish. He was born in England in the year 387 A.D. His parents were Roman. So, he was Italian. He was captured during a raid by and forced into slavery during his youth in Ireland, and escaped back to England. He later became a priest, and then a Cardinal. Upon having a vision from God, he went back to Ireland and spent 40 years converting the druids and pagans to catholicism. The reason why the shamrock is a symbol for St. Patrick is that he used it to explain the Trinity (the father, the son, and the holy ghost) to the people he converted.

So, on the anniversary of his death, March 17, many people acknowledge this man's religious quest. They do this by dying beer green, and getting drunk. What a way to recognize a holy man.

Yet Another Union

There is another Union on this planet.

Yes, union, as in organized representation of workers. Those great organizations that saved many from poor working conditions, and later became as, if not more, corrupt than the organizations they used to fight. (not all unions, but a fair enough share to warrant that comment).

This new union is in the land down under. Australia.

Seems the strippers down there (heehee, PUN!!!) have recently won many benefits. Limited to ten hour shifts, meal breaks, and many other new rights that they didn't have before. This is a good thing...

but...

One thing they won the rights to, is maternity leave, and a job when they return from that leave.

While, I agree on maternity leave for people, and the right to have their job still when they return from leave, I have trouble placing this one for strippers. If they keep their appearance it will work out well. Unfortuneately, the rigors of childbirth can sometimes do unattractive things to a woman's physique, and destroy a career that is based solely upon looks and "grinding" ability. Not many men are out seeking a stripper with added pregnancy weight, stretch marks, and a c-section scar.

Might not be the PC thing to say, but it is honest.

Would work for a male stripper too if he took a few months off and spent his time eating McDonalds twice a day, watching TV, and drinking beer. I'm sure after leaving with a six pack and coming back with a keg wouldn't make the club owner too happy, nor get a lot of positive response from the clientel. (except for the group that's into that sort of thing)

Then again, considering dancers make their money on tips... wouldn't really matter much.

Star Wars: Episode 3 1/2 - The TV Series

The rumors about a Star Wars tv series coming out, taking place between episode III and IV are getting more frequent. I'm just hoping IF an Ewok makes the script, its a bounty hunter, and IF a gungan makes the script, it is the victim of the Ewok bountie hunter... or it beats a wookie at chess and gets its arms ripped off.

Also says something about Indiana Jones 4 in there...

(article 1)
(article 2)

I'll Take Two, One In Purple...

Gotta love American... hmmm... trendyness?
I know I want one.
(clicky clicky)

Happy Holidays

Happy Holiday today!!!

(if you don't know what holiday it is, and don't have, like, oh, your mom or boss looking over your shoulder in the room right now, click here and it will be revealed.)

Who's Gonna Feed the Little Crackers?

The childrens are going to starve. The man, the legend, the feeder of chocolate salty balls to little children, Isaac Hayes has quit the show "South Park."

He quit because of bigotry. He can no longer take the insults on religion.

The creators of South Park have a slightly different take. Seems they think it is because they recently took a shot at Scientology, which is Isaac Hayes Religion.

Normally, I want to agree with someone who is taking a stand against what could be deemed as bigotry. I can't though. Why?

THE FUCKING PILOT EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK HAD JESUS CHRIST IN A FIST FIGHT WITH SANTA CLAUSE!!!

The show has never had a friendly stance on religion. Its made fun of pretty much every major religion on the planet. I respect that.

I personally take many shots at the beliefs of some christians. Then again, I fall into the catagory of those I make fun of. We have different beliefs. I have no problem with them believing the earth is 5,000 years old. I think they are wrong, but its faith on both our parts. I have faith I'm right, they have faith they are right. I don't care what they think about my beliefs, and they shouldn't care what I think about their beliefs.

My fight (and humor) is usually targeted at people trying to force their beliefs on everyone. Them and the people who supposedly have the same religion as I do, and preach war. (I'm still waiting on a reply from someone after I asked them how many people Jesus Christ killed in battle.)

So, in other words. Embrace your religion. Let everyone else embrace theirs. Maybe then we can stop trying to kill each other in the name of our peaceful religions.

5 Songs Stuck to the Roof Of My Brain

Song	Artist	Album	Genre	Time	Year
Time Of Your Song	Matisyahu	Youth	Reggae	4:27	2006
	The man strikes again. This song is off his new disc. While I don't rate this one as high as "Live at Stubbs," it's still a high quality album.
I Wanna Be With You	Isley Brothers	The Essential Isley Brothers	R&B/Funk	6:20	1979
	I had the Isley Brother's recommended to me recently. So, I downloaded a song. I then had no choice but to go out and buy a greatest hits disc, because I was in shock and awe. Yes, I was blinded by the funk.
I Put a Spell On You	Buddy Guy w/ Carlos Santana	Bring Em In	Blues	4:04	2005
	Dangerous combination here. Two guitar Legends on one song. You can feel both of their styles on the song, yet it meshed together very well. Plus Buddy's vocals are amazing on this one.
Side Show Blues	Todd Snider	That Was Me: The Best of Todd Snider 1994-1998	Folk/Country/Rock	3:39	1996
	Yes, I have no plans on quitting my Todd Snider kick. One of his older songs, I recently discovered after buying a greatest hits disc of his earlier stuff. Plus this song has one of those... lines. "Sometimes you gotta kill a boy, to keep his ass in line." We'll just say that made me laugh.
Skulls	The Misfits	Collection I	Punk Rock	1:58	1986
	A long time ago, there was a genre of music called Punk Rock. It was the kind of stuff that teeny boppers didn't listen to. One such band that played this type of music was The Misfits. It was heavy. It was good. Glen Danzig just knew how to sound evil, yet Elvis-like at times. That is why I listen to them. Unlike the watered down, practically backstreet boys crap (Good Charlotte) that the kids think is Punk Rock nowadays.

Random Updates

The broken link for that quiz I took the other day is fixed. At least the one to take it. I think I also put the link in the title, just in case. The blame all falls on cut and paste html code.

I am on spring break. So, I get a week of just working. Looking forward to a little relax time, and a lot of time to get caught up on things that have suffered the past eight weeks (like cleaning).

I have killed the musical sidebar. Castpost went from being beta to alpha (yes, a nice backwards move in the development process.) The damn thing crashes when I try to delete a file, let alone upload one. I was going to use it in my next post, but it wasn't gonna work. Then next (although if you read top to bottom, previous) post is me with my really basic html skills toying around. I was gonna have the castpost song player "thingie" next to the album art, but that site has gone to hell.
*edit*
Well, my own self designed cut and paste html code isn't working either. Its having a bad reaction to the blogger template, that goes beyond my complete understanding. So, more toying for me. Luckily, I like that sort of thing.

*second edit*
Figured it out. Blogger does something bad. Wherever it see's a (return) it inserts an html tag for a hard return, when in html coding, you are SUPPOSED to use returns to make your code readable, and use the appropriate html tags to do the returns. So, THAT is one of the reasons why cut and paste html code has so many issues with blogger. Even if you do all this entering in the edit html thing, it screws it up. So, in other words, DEAR BLOGGER: fix that issue in the edit html thing on the posting screen. That one should be left to advanced users who know how to do some coding.

Closed For the Day

Michael Jackson's Neverland Family Brothel has been forcibly closed due to back workman's comp taxes. No more breeding ground for young men for Mr. Jackson.

Figures. All the real criminals are brought down by tax laws. Capone on tax evasion. Now Jackson on this.

Read? Fiction? What's That....

I have always said I am lost when it comes to reading and fiction, and here is the proof.

The Librarian You scored 60 erudition!

Congratulations! You're well above average when it comes to your knowledge of English grammar, history, and literature. You may have missed a few questions, but if you keep your studies up and stay away from genre fiction, we'll have you ready for Stanford in no time! Who knows, we just might be reading your columns in Talk of the Town a few years from now.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 6% on erudition

Link: The Are You Truly Erudite? Test written by okellelala on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Big Government

Yup, the feds. Government. Republican's are supposedly against big Government, and Democrats want it, right?

How's this for big government...

A couple was moving, and decided to pay off their credit card.

Seems their payment was too big for their normal paying off of debt... so...

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY was brought in. Paying off a credit card might possibly mean you are a TERRORIST so the DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY must be brought in using their power brought by THE PATRIOT ACT for EVERY GOOD AMERICAN'S protection.

Yes, thanks to THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY stepping in, and freezing this families assets until an investigation was done, we are free of the TERRORIST threat imposed by them.

Thank you DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY and THE PATRIOT ACT for keeping me safe from this threat.

Thank you GEORGE "dubs" BUSH for creating THE PATRIOT ACT, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, and the TERROR ALERT.

I wouldn't know how many threats like those people posed to me, with their TERRORIST-like ways of paying off their credit card are around, without each and every one of those.

Thank you once again for your small, unobtrusive, government. I feel safe and free just thinking about it.

Another Secular Crusade

I've come up with another one of my "insane, blowing something out of proportions" ideas.

I've decided, to promote a more secular, PC America, we have to fight the root of all the problems. It isn't forcing people to acknowledge God in the pledge. It isn't that through the idol worship of our money, by having in God We Trust written on it. No no. It is something more deeply engrained in American Culture. I know each and every one of you wants to know what it is now, don't ya?

Its saying "bless you" when someone sneezes.

So, we have to stop that, and just stop acknowledging sneezes altogether... unless of course the nasty person doesn't cover their mouth. Besides, when people spray you with a sneeze, you're more likely to say fuck you rather than bless you.

Yeah... that's it...

Slightly unrelated... What if all this time, the pledge was a typo? What if it really said "One nation, under fog, invisible, with liberty and justice for all..."

I'm just full of the deep thoughts today.

I'll go back to hiding in the bomb shelter.

Put Your Lights On, Betta Leave Ya Lights On...

Some towns are lit by burning fossil fuels.

Some are powered by clean natural resources, such as hydro electic power, wind, or solar power.

Some are powered by nuclear powerplants.

One day, San Francisco may have its lights partially powered by POOPIES!!!

Yes, by recycling doggie doodoo they are hoping to lower the amount of waste that goes into landfills, and use it to create methane to burn in a turbine, which will be used for electric power.

Dog crap for electricity. Urine to make diesel engines cleaner. Isn't science fun?

I'd Like to Send a Shout Out...

This song goes out to all the cowboys, and southern conservatives out there. My boys G. "dubs" Bush, "Big" Dick Cheney, Tom "I'm not a crook" DeLay, and anyone else who's a manly Cowboy Cookie eater...


Powered by Castpost

Thank you Mr. Willie Nelson. I've been a fan since I was 3, and I still love the music as I approach 30.

---

I'd also like to note that my music thingy was being nice, so I decided to post some songs on the sidebar. I'm cutting it down to five. Ten was overkill.

The current selection of five songs is the same song. Yes.

I've told everyone I am fascinated with covers/remakes of songs. As it so happens, I have a grand total of 4 covers of the exact same song. Yes. 4 covers of the Depeche Mode Classic, "Personal Jesus."

I gave release dates, so people could make fun of the last one to join on the cover the song bandwagon, Marilyn Manson (who also does the worst version).