Greatest Christmas Light Show... EVER!!!

(click here for the most awesomest light show imaginable.)

Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,
I can understand why you never got me that llama, that wish was one best left unanswered. I was thinking about asking for an Xbox 360, then I realized that every kid wants one, and I'm not like every other kid. The year I asked for the adult toy you gave me a bible, so I'm not going to try that one again. So, here goes...

Could you get me a plot in the cemetary? That would be soooooo cool. None of the other kids would have one, plus I could probably go out to it, and drink and stuff, and they couldn't kick me out because I owned the spot.

It won't even cost that much Santa, since they are on SALE. Thanks a lot.

Billy.

Krimmus Music

Anyone who had read my blog a year ago, knows my hatred of Christmas music. Most of the music is very simple, and less than 10% of it has any true ties to what the holiday is supposed to be about. Its mostly songs about deer with radioactive noses, a fat guy sneaking in your house, and sugarplums dirty dancing.

Because of this disgust, I have my own collection of Krimmus tunes to share with all of you. These three songs are deemed as being appropriate Krimmus music, although there are a few more out there, these three are my top three. (Other songs that are acceptable are "Christmastime in Hell" from South Park, "Feliz Navidad," etc.)

The number one song is "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte. This one is so good I listen to it year round, as it gets regular play at a bar I hang out at. (It doesn't hurt that it annoys the hell out of the bartender, Dominic."

Running a close second is "Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al. Al knows what the holiday is all about. (I wanted to find the music video for this one, as it uses a bunch of old duck and cover footage."

Third is "Beclause I got High" by Bob Rivers. This one is a damn fine parody of superstar, will have an extremely long career, recording artist Afroman's song "Because I Got High." I wonder how many Grammy's he'll win for his musical genius?

All three songs available in the sidebar for your listening enjoyment, but only for a limited time.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Just wanted to wish one and all a Happy Thanksgiving.

Since I don't know of any thanksgiving music, I decided to proclaim "Be Thankful for what you got by William DeVaughn as the official Thanksgiving song.


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I Am the Batman

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause.

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Evidence For War

We've all probably read about the threat Saddam posed to us from all those conservative blogs. Here is some fresh news about Saddam and his role with al Qaeda: he was trying to establish surveylance over them because he felt the terror group was a threat to him and his secular regime.

Translated: Saddam thinks al Qaeda is BAD. He was using his influence AGAINST them.

The information that Saddam had nothing to do with 9-11, or having any ties to al Qaeda was brought to dubs attention during a briefing on September 21, 2001.

So, dubs, about that "re-writing history" thing. Does it count if our rewriting of it is the truth, while your interpretation of it was a bunch of lies?

10 Quirks

"Here's the game. Introduce 10 quirks or idiosyncrasies of yours on your blog,following which you are free to pick five more people to do the same thing."

1. I'm a coffee snob. I'll try new things, and am open to suggestions, but I always hear people bring up a regular brew duncan donuts coffee, which for standard coffee, is good, but its not MY coffee. Until you've had guatamalan antigua fresh ground and brewed in a french press, I don't wanna hear about it.
2. I'm a paranoid sleeper. I sleep with the TV on, and my bedroom door locked. I put a normal, outdoor style, key lock on the door. If someone wakes me up by contact, I'm known to either jump up with a fist cocked, or ball up into the fetal position and scream uncontrollably for 30 seconds.
3. Music snob too. Its a lot like the coffee thing. Open minded, but I have difficulty with pop music. Especially really bad pop, like that damn laffy taffy song. First off, taffy doesn't shake. Second, you pull taffy. KC and the Sunshine band was straightforward with shake your booty. AMG was dead on when they said "shake it baby don't ya break it, took yo momma nine months to make it." Outkast made themselves legends with the line "shake it like a polaroid picture." The Ying Yang Twins made sense with "shake it like a salt shaker." Puffy, Nelly, and that other guy were good with ripping off Ray Charles and "Shake ya Tailfeather." You have NO artistic integrity with "Shake that Laffy Taffy..."
4. I tend to go off on tangents. (see #3).
5. I hate phones. A convo with me on the phone lasting over 5 minutes is RARE.
6. I'm addicted to the internet. I find more entertainment out of listening to music and reading stories online than anything TV, movies, or books has ever brought me, speaking of books...
7. I don't read books. If I get ahold of one, I'll finish it off in no time flat. Then two years will pass and I wouldn't have read another book. Blame it on the elementary school librarian who explained the difference between fiction and non-fiction as "fake and not fake."
8. I'm anti-social... to an extent. I'm the extreme of being not out-going. In large groups I don't do much. I can only talk in one on one and small group situations. Get the number of peopleinvolved above 5, I'm silent on the sidelines.
9. I failed english twice in high school because I was such a poor writer. Came to find out I had really poor teachers. (Considering my college freshman composition professor wanted me to be an english major.)
10. I'm a creature of habit. Back in my days of management at the most evil corporation on earth, Target, my co-workers could set their watches to within minutes of my routine.
    

Anyone else wanna do this one, feel free. I got outted by Matt. lol

I Once Was Lost, But Now, Am Found...

How long does it take to identify a body?

At least two years, if you live in Philly, the city of Brother Love.

A woman was killed, and her body was found 5 months later. It was, understandably, badly decomposed. The medical examiner couldn't identify it. So, they shoved it in a corner somewhere, where it sat... for two years.

Everything is all nice nice now, since the corononers office apoligized, after the case was brought up and they re-examined the body, and positively IDed it. Sorry we lost your sisters body. Our bad.

At least they didn't lose a live body in the morgue.

A Thought...

Has anyone ever wondered if somehow Winnie the Pooh was related to Jabba the Hutt?

Disturbing Searches That Find My Blog, Part Two

These are all actual search terms used to find my blog.

Women Nude Wheelchairs (there I am at #5 on the list)

Men's Holiday Gay Porn (I look great sandwiched between "Gay XXX +18 gay leather" and "Gays and cocks, thousands of gay xxx videos...")

Jenna Bush Thong Video (Woohoo!!! I'm #36!!!)

Where can you buy gravy? (Page one, very top. DAMN I rule!!!)

There you have it, nude women in wheelchairs, men's holiday gay porn, Jenna Bush in a Thong, and a place to buy gravy. Thanks for shopping.

Deer vs. Society

The deer population near Pig's Eye Lake in Minnesota have gotton out of control. The numbers are over 5 times what the local biologists expected to find.

The population needs to be lowered because the deer are destroying property, farmland, and doing suicide runs in front of vehicles on the highways. The plans are to bring in a sharpshooter to systematically kill 200 does to lower the population level.

Some find this to be cruel and unusual, and want the terrorist deer population to be lowered by other means. A group against it was formed when they protested using internment camps to hold the deer, as done after 9-11 security measures.

The question that looms in my mind, is where are they coming from? They must be sneaking in over the border from one of the Dakotas, a known red state. These terrorist deer are trying to destroy our way of life. They are sneaking in and trying to get a conservative government installed in Minnesota.

The terror mastermind behind the deer assault on our blue state of Minnesota (the only state in the union to go to Walter Mondale in the '84 election) has yet to be discovered. My thinking it is none other than Gale A. Norton, Secretary of the Interior in the dubs administration.

She has strong ties to the mountain states, conservative politics, and as secretary of the Interior she has the ability to communicate with nature.

We must seal Minnesota's western border, to protect our future. If the state of Minnesota falls to the conservatives, our liberal cause is lost.

Old People Fighting

Video and Codes for MySpace at ENWhore.com

Teacher Guilty of Blasphemy

A Saudi teacher was convicted of blasphemy, and sentenced to 750 lashes and 40 months in prison.

Although this is a strict example, it does show the possibilities of what happens when a state truly is a theocracy. According to some, our country was founded on Christianity, which harbors much different rules than Islam. Since the rules are much different, this could never happen.

That is a short sighted statement, as the Christian Bible does condone stoning, and many other barbaric practices. (To this day my favorite example is if one rapes someones virgin daughter, his sentence is paying her father 50 sheckels of silver, and marrying her.)

When dealing with a text that is thousands of years old, one must remember that the writings are based on what was considered to be the norm of the times. This is on a social and scientific level.

It is incidences like the one involving the teacher in Saudi Arabia, that causes so many liberals like myself, to object to some of the arguments that plague the news today. While we may or may not have our own spiritual beliefs, we do not force them upon others, or wish them to be forced on others. This is why we protest the inclusion of teaching creationism (i.e. intelligent design) in schools, the addition of "under God" in 1954 to the Pledge of Allegiance, etc.

What we seek is not a godless nation. We seek a government that does not acknowledge a God, but allows any individual within it to worship the God of their choosing. I will always view the seperation of church and state as a strength of this country, and one of the principal reasons why we have grown so strong as a nation.

Many other countries fight civil wars for decades due to religious reasons. Modern Iraq is a religious battle, between Shiite Muslims, Sunni Muslims, and Kurds. The former Czech republic was a religious battle. We have continued to grow and prosper because of our seperation of government and an individuals religion.

Ones religious beliefs are very deep, as they should be. My own beliefs are strong, and I am glad to be able to choose them, and not have them forced upon me by another man or by my government.

We fight for our right to choose, and your right to choose. By acknowledging a particular God by government, we all lose that right of choice.

Fun New Blogland Game!!

There is a new craze sweeping the net. Its called the Bill O'Reilly googlebomb game. Since Billy "falafel master" O'Reilly made the suggestion for terrorists to blow up San Francisco people are placing links of "terrorist sympathizer" on their blogs. By putting a link of terrorist sympathizer on your blog, with the target being falafel master's website, it makes google bring it up high in the lists when you do a search for terrorist sympathizer.

Billy boy claims he is no terrorist sympathizer, and he may be right. But I would surmise that anyone who wants al Qaeda to blow up San Francisco isn't exactly patriotic.

William the Falafel says he is taking names of anyone who has a link to his website through the words terrorist sympathizer down on his naughty list.

Hi King Falafel, my name is Michael. I love my country, falafels, and kittens.

Special thanks to ACG at Practically Harmless for this fun game.

Chemical Weapons? WMDs? Moi?

It looks like we use chemical weapons still. The US military used white phosphorous, in a way that appears to go against the Chemical Weapons Convention that we were a part of. Reports show that we used it as a weapon, and not as a smoke screen. Good thing to do when we were supposedly going in to oust Saddam for his WMDs and use of chemical weapons.

It was really effective, although immoral. Kinda like using mustard gas, Nuclear Weapons, that sort of thing. Would get the job done, too bad we said we weren't gonna do that kind of shit.

So, lets see some things...
Saddam and his regime used chemical weapons, called anyone who had a differing view unpatriotic, created their own version of history, justified torture in the name of national defence, used deep religious ties to justify their agenda...
dubs and his regime uses chemical weapons, calls out anyone who have a differing view as being unpatriotic, create their own version of history, justify torture in the name of national defence, use deep religious ties to justify their agenda...

Hey Grandma, Wanna Go Grab a Beer?

In one of the greatest ideas ever hatched, a nursing home has done its residents a fine service. It opened a pub inside the nursing home.

They figure that social interaction is key in prolonging life.

Since putting in the pub (hours 11am to 9pm) visitation has increased.

No surprise. I know I'd be more apt to go for a visit if I could sit down with gramps and have a cold one. Be much more comfortable. Would feel like hanging out and not a hospital.

Too bad the place is in, of all places... Ireland...

More Covers

I went on a brief listening spree of covers of songs recently, and that is my new song update. Some genuine, some twisted, all entertaining... in my own little world.

First off, we have Soundgarden covering the Beatles Classic "Come Together."

Second, we have the Revolting Cocks (feat. Al Jorgenson from Ministry) covering the Rod Stewart classic, "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" They did change some lyrics around on it though.

Third, we have Bigod 20 covering "Like a Prayer" by Madonna.

Last, and certainly not least, we have the Kidneythieves covering the penned by Willie Nelson, made famous by Patsy Cline classic, "Crazy."

Enjoy kiddies.

Urinal Etiquette and Automatic Flushing Toilets

Recently in a few blogs, I've read people talk about two things: Urinal etiquette for men in bathrooms, and automatic toilets (the ones that flush by sensor).

Found a Cartoon on that very subject.

CARTOON

Medical Advice - Stuffy Nose

If you have a stuffy nose, push up against the roof of your mouth with your tongue, while pushing in between your eyebrows with your index finger. This moves the vomer bone, and will help to drain your sinuses.

As stupid as it may sound, I tried it today as I've been battling my evil cold/allergy attack of the fall. It worked... or was just a coincidence.

Eddie Guerrero Found Dead

WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room today. He was 38.

I've been an on again, off again wrestling fan for years. When I first saw Eddie wrestle, I thought he was boring. That was back in his WCW days.

He later ended up on WWE (WWF) wrestling. He became a superstar. He was always a quality wrestler, but then he began to show his personality. He really showed a lot of personality and skill once he came over, eventually having a run as World Heavyweight champion.

Worst Invention Ever

In order to combat energy usage, the Japanese have invented something that I object to. This is by far, the worst invention I have ever seen. It's the heated bra.

Its bulky. Its made of white faux fur. It has silicone implants that can be heated in the microwave for added warmth and bulkiness. Oh, AND it has a flashing light in the front for when the room temperature is above a certain level.

Heated bras are a bad idea. Besides, we all know someone is gonna end up burning a nipple and the company will go under from it.

Dear President George W. "dubs" Bush...

I read a bit on your recent speech today, and with my simple liberal mind, would like to offer a rebuttal to some of the things you said:

"The stakes in the global war on terror are too high, and the national interest is too important, for politicians to throw out false charges.''

I agree that this is not a situation to throw out false charges. There is never a situation when false charges should be used. Let's face facts though. We did go to war in Iraq, where over 2,000 of our soldiers have been killed, countless others wounded, and over $200 billion spent. The reasons for going into this war, that of weapons of mass destruction (WMD's, the phrase that no one in the US had heard or used until the war began) and ties to terrorism, have been proven to be untrue. Any sane person who truly loves their country wants what is best for us.

We demand truth and honesty in our leadership. If the allegations are false, you being a rightious, moral, religious man, should have no fear in having all the information you received be held up to conjecture. If you know you did the right thing, and didn't do anything underhanded, lie, or only submitted partial information, you will be proven correct. To fight against the investigation like you seem to be doing, only makes us think you are guilty.

"When I made the decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power, Congress approved it with strong bipartisan support."

Yes, that our congress did. In turn, was the information that congress was presented with all the information you received, or just a small part? Did your administration withold information that proved the information congress received to be false?

"While it's perfectly legitimate to criticize my decision or the conduct of the war, it is deeply irresponsible to rewrite the history of how that war began."

That is where you are very wrong. If we don't question the why we did it, when all that information was proven to be false, we will never learn from this mistake that you yourself led us into.

"These baseless attacks send the wrong signal to our troops and to an enemy that is questioning America's will."

What if these so called "baseless attacks" prove to be correct? That you did lead us into war under false reasons? There is evidence there, and it is being searched. You are the President, just another elected official. This isn't ancient egypt, where the ruling pharaoh was a god. You, are not my God. You are another mortal man, no different than me and everyone else who lives in this country. We as a people must stand up to our mistakes, as you too should stand up to yours.

Besides, you have said that you did no wrong, so why so defensive and so apprehensive about an investigation. Are you hiding something?

Sony Helps Hackers Put Virus's on Your Computer

We all know how Sony has been making some of their music CD's "copywrite protected" so that somone can't rip them, or make any copies. That software Sony hid on discs is no being exploited by hackers to infect systems with viruses.

The code sony used bypasses everything and gets deep within a computers programming. Viruses are now being designed to use the code to allow them in undetected.

I'm thinking class action lawsuit here.

It Takes a Thief To Argue Against Gay Marriage

I took this from ACG at Practically Harmless, who stoldid it from TBogg.

This is an amazingly hilarious argument on why gay marriage should be illegal.

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Porn and Society

While surfing I found an article on Porn. Apparantly pornographic material is what truly divides us as a nation. Here are some stats (and commentary).

47% of women and 33% of men think porn harms the relationship between men and women.
I am definately part of the majority on this one. Watching 1 to 300 people doing the most intimate of acts together isn't wrong. It's game film. You learn new things, tricks, and get motivated to go over and molest your partner. Porn helps relationships. Couples should watch porn together.

About half of all adults believe that pornography raises men's expectation of how women should look and that it changes men's expectations of how women should behave.
I say bullshit. I don't think women should behave like porn stars. If I did, I'd be really suspicious of the pizza delivery guy, the mailman, and all those muscular extremely well hung guys who are having sex with 5 single women with breast implants every day they work. After watching X-Men, I didn't expect anyone I know to be a mutant. Its called entertainment, fantasy, fiction, etc. for a reason. Anyone who believes porn is real life, let me get a sledgehammer and hit them in the head WWE style, and see them just get a little cut.

About the same amount (half) say pornography is demeaning towards women, although this view is more widely held by women than by men.
Oh, really? It isn't demeaning towards men? why? The guys are just as naked, and just as involved. Just like sometimes its 2 guys on one girl, and sometimes its 2 girls on one guy. Is one more demeaning to one sex than the other? And what about gay porn? If its 2 to 300 guys going at it, is that just not demeaning to anyone at all, because they are guys? Switch that out with women, does that suddenly make it any more or less demeaning?

The rest of the article actually makes some sense, as it refers to kids watching porn. Then again... isn't that why its got that rating? You don't see Gangbang Cum Shots Part 15 next to the Lion King in video stores.

And as far as the net goes, police your kids people. There are ways to block websites from your kids, and there are ways to check back on them. If they delete their cookies and clear their history... they're grounded. That simple. Don't leave parenting up to the government. Whose a better parent, you or dubs? Remember, he's got the alcoholic daughter who's got crotch shots all over the net. (just do a pic search for Jenna Bush on google, with safesearch off...)

And the Mental Giant Award Goes To...

...the 19 year old who fell asleep in the back office at 7/11 when he was supposed to be working. Police were called because no one was in the store, and they found him asleep... with a quarter pound of weed and a scale where he was measuring smaller amounts for resale, but got too tired and fell asleep before 11pm.

What Kind of Juice is This?

As things go to show, we American's will try to capitalize, and make money off of anything. It's why we have so many rich fucks.

The latest great idea is someone is tradmarking the term "Jesus Juice" to make a full bodied merlot. Of course the phrase "Jesus Juice" was what the accuser in the Michael Jackson "I like little boys dingies" trial said Jackson if ya nasty gave him in a soft drink can.

They plan on the label having a man, arms spread wide crucifix style, wearing a sequined glove and a hat lowered to cover his face.

Jesus Juice may be good, but it will never top He'Brew.

How To...

I have finally found the how to that each and every person needs to know. I've been trying to get this project started for years, and now I can do it with these helpful, step-by-step instructions.

How to buy your own private Island...

THE Christmas Gift for 2005

What do you get the kid that has everything? Their own deposed dictator? No! Their very own Laser gun!!!

Available now, a class IV laser, handheld, that runs on AA batteries. It is strong enough to quickly burn holes in metal. Plus, you get a good 150 shots out of the life of those batteries. All available for the low, low price of just $1,750!!!

Get yours today!!!

The Global Temperature Drops As We Speak

Pirates attacked a cruise ship off the coast of Somalia recently. The cruise captain managed to "repel" the attack by some nifty manuevers.

This is a sign of many good things to come. Our all important Pirate population just might be arrising from near extinction, which will make Him happy.

The air feels cooler already.

Music Sidebar: Strange Bedfellows

I realized that I hadn't done any updating of music in the sidebar lately, so I decided to go with some odd combo's of musicians. Although I could probably throw a good 50 songs over there, I don't have a) that much free time or b) the amount of online space via free sites. So, you all get three for now.

Eminem and Marilyn Manson - This is more or less a remix of the Eminem song "The Way I Am" done by Manson. It surpasses the original ten fold. The ending result is much grittier and angrier than the original, which fits the mood of the song better. This truly was a match made in... ummm... purgatory?

Rob Zombie and Lionel Richie (and unfortuneately Trina) - Rob manages to turn the Commodores classic "Brickhouse" into this odd, rock meets funk meets porn extravaganza. The fact that he's performing it as a duet with former commodore Lionel Richie makes it just that much better. Too bad Trina the talentless rap artist ruins the end of the song, by doing her worst Lil Kim impersonation.

Tom Jones and The Cardigans - Yes, the biggest pimp of all time, Tom "The Trouser Snake-Bra Collector" Jones covers the Talking Heads classic Burning down the house with the Cardigans. This song is the ultimate in bridging the generation gap, and its kind of catchy too.

Cuz I Wanna Be a Cowboy Baby!!!

dubs went to Argentina and got welcomed with protests and boos. He said he would be polite to the people on his trip to mend fences, which made me think...

Whatever happened to cowboy diplomacy? What happened to the we don't care what the rest of the world thinks mentality? Did he finally figure out that doesn't work?

I was expecting him to ride off of airforce one on his trusty steed, wearing a ten gallon hat, and firing his six shooters into the crowd, aiming for old ladies and babies, then biting off the head of a kitten to show his mightiness.

How Many Italians Does It Take to Answer a Door For Trick or Treaters?

One... and his hunting rifle.

A seventy year old man in the northern Italian town of Turin heard a knock on his door, and a bang. Being the victim of a few recent robberies, he opened the door and fired four times with his hunting rifle.

He shot two kids dressed up as demons, who were trick or treating and set off a firecracker.

See what happens when you teach your children how to beg? My people shoot em!!!