Me? Torment Republicans??? NEVER!!!

Your Monster Profile

Creepy Enigma You Feast On: Fried Twinkies You Lurk Around In: Swingers Clubs You Especially Like to Torment: Republicans

What's Your Monster Name?

iStrongbad

Yes, that isn't a typo. Strongbad is now available for your iPod video... for free!!! Me likey free.

(link to the iStrongbad)

Panexa Is the Drug For Me, and You, Even Squirrels

I found a site on the "drug" Panexa. Everyone should ask their doctor for a reason to take it...

[Panexa Website]

Alterations

As many of you have noticed, I've been making some template changes.

This current semester at school, I'm taking a design class (user interface with computers), and a web development class (html, xhtml, JavaScript). So, out of things I'm learning, I've been altering the blog to be less generic blogger template; a hopefully better, easier to use interface; and cleaning up my really sloppy guesswork cut and paste code methods from the past. (I had so much bad code in this page, I am suprised it even came up for people.)

So, be prepared for another 13 weeks or so of changes as I learn how to do this stuff, instead of guess how to do this stuff.

Old School News

French Lose Another War - Once again, the French prove they can lose a fight like no other. This time, a man lost a fight with a work of art: a urinal. The crazy old man took to a urinal with a ball peen hammer, lucked into cracking it, before being stopped. He has since been fined $262,000. It was his second attempt at trying to kill the "work of art."

Praying For All The Nasty Shit To Go Away - A church rectory (all of ten miles from me) is undergoing more than $100,000 of rennovations. Seems one of the rooms has been filled with animal poopies for at least a decade. After finding this one out, I now know which church I am not going to be attending.

Diaper Sales Soar - There has been a mad rush to buy everyones favorite article of clothing in China: adult didys. Seems there is a holiday coming up, and the trains get really crowded, so people can't get to the bathrooms on the trains, so... you get the picture. Remind me to never ride a train in China.

Men In Prison - That Richie guy from the first season of Survivor was convicted of tax evasion. He faces up to thirteen years in prison. After being found guilty, he burst into an A Capella rendition of "It's Raining Men."

Short Skirt and a Long Jacket - A high school student won his case in court recently to be allowed to wear a skirt to school. He began the stunt as a rebellion against the "no shorts" rule in effect at his high school. He first wore a costume style skirt, and got sent home. He then wore normal skirts... and got sent home. That is when the ACLU stepped in and the lawsuit began. I salute this guy, for standing up to the double standard that women can wear skirts, but we a guy can't. I laugh at this guy, because that is kinda brokeback if you ask me.

Speaking of the Ladies... - Everyones favorite black man turned white woman and sponsor of Jesus Juice was spotted recently, shopping with a bunch of his lovers in tow in Bahrain. Of course, being the respectful man, er wo.. individual that... ummm... they are, wore the traditional womanly garb of the middle east. I'm talking full robe and veil.

Support for Alternative Marriage Types - Over in South Korea, the government is considering giving support to farmers who choose to marry in a non-traditional way: mail order brides. Seems they are considering giving a little over $6000 to farmers who order women from other countries to marry them. In this country, we have opposition to same sex marriage, which would bring in large sums of money to the economy (can you picture the amount of money two gay men would spend on a wedding?), on a basis of it's not traditional, and in South Korea, the government is paying people to bring in immigrants to marry farmers. Doesn't that harm marriages sanctuosityness?

Everything is Clintons Fault - Donald Rumsfeld blames the Clinton Administration for our military's current status. I mean, it has to be the president who hasn't been in office for over 5 years fault. It couldn't ever possibly be the fault of the current administration or him, who have been at the controls for the past 5+ years. I like this strategy though. So from now on I am going to blame every problem I ever come across on Herbert Hoover.

...and that concludes our news for the day

THE Place to Shop

Costco rocks.

You can buy something really cool there, that bears my name.

(click this big, blinkie link... you know you want it...)

More of the Double Standard

Some conservatives are in an uproar again about one of them thar leftist hollywood type folks.

Seems George Clooney decided to make fun of Jack Abramoff during the golden globe awards. In case you didn't know, he's the former lobbyist and confessed felon who was close with them good 'ol morally superior Republicans who break the laws any chance they get.

Well, Clooney's comments made Abramoff's 12 year old sister cry. Yeah, he's evil cuz he unintentionally made a little girl burst into a fit of tears while making fun of a felon.

Now, lets think back to... the Clinton years. If I recall correctly, Bubba has a daughter, and Chelsea be thy name. She was around that age in the early Clinton years. Didn't people used to actually make fun of her for her looks?

How was that ok to the conservatives, but making fun of a convict because he has a little sister expressly wrong?

People really have some fucked up standards of right and wrong nowadays.

Puscifer, Slipknot, Lacuna Coil...

On rare occasion, there is a soundtrack that is put together that is just full of damn fine, unique, music.

It happened for the Singles soundtrack.
It happened for the Crow soundtrack.
It happened for the soundtrack to Underworld...

...and the sequel, Underworld Evolutions.

It has another Puscifer song. (Maynard James Keehan from Tool and A Perfect Circle on vocals, Danny Lohner guitarist from Nine Inch Nails adding his own musical touch...)
It has a new Lacuna Coil song on it.
A Remix of Vermillion Part 2 by Slipknot...

Animal Torture At It's Finest

I love this site.

(click me)

Fidel Got Game

Everyone's favorite Commie, my homeboy Fidel is able to have his countries national baseball team play in the world baseball classic.

Seems the hosts are the US and Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico was going to pull out if Fidel's boys weren't allowed to play. So, the US Treasurey Department struck a deal with big daddy Castro, and any proceeds that the Cuban National Team makes will go to benefit hurricane Katrina victims.

That right there is communism at its finest. Not worried about the proceeds, worried about the goodwill of the masses... and I'm sure Fidel wants his genetically engineered cyborg baseball team to crush the rest of the world.

Fitty Cent Is a Talentless Hack

The most useless rap star, who is all the rage of the under 18 (mentally) crowd is in the news. Yes, the rapper with the worst flow since Mase, 50 Cent.

Seems 50 just may have been stealing lyrics from his debut hit, "In the Club." Stole em from Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew fame.

The lawsuit seeks royalties from Fitties copywrite infringement.

I wish the lawsuit sought sending every recording the man ever made (besides the Dre beats) through a woodchipper.

I don't know if I can say this enough, Mr. Cent is a talentless, worthless, hack, who couldn't rap himself out of a freestyle contest with a 3 year old crack baby.

Evolution: More Proof

If anyone does not believe in evolution, just watch this video, and tell me that evolution doesn't exhist...

(evolution proof video)

Answers to Matt's Questions

Matt asked questions. I shall answer them.

What is the meaning of life?
The question that has plaiged mankind since before crystal Pepsi. If you were to ask Conan the Barbarian, he would tell you "to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women." That is when we pat Ah-Nold on the head, and tell him to stick to (or just go back to if you've seen the flab he is now) weightlifting. No, the real meaning of life was discovered by none other than Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan of Wylde Stallions!!! They lived by the creed of be cool to each other. That is the meaning of our existance.
Actually, come to think of it, the world would be better if we just worshipped the teachings of Keanu Reeves. He is Neo. The chosen one. Plus he made a good surfer/cop in point break. Yes, that is the meaning of life... Keanu Reeves.

On episode one three nine dash six, act two scene one of, Star Trek: The Next Generation, when counselor Troy bends over slightly to grab a glass of water off the table in the ready room, wasn’t that cool?
Actually... no it wasn't. Troy was a tease, and she knew it. The woman got off on making guys and/or women stare, while she wore tight outfits, and read their minds while they thought about various ways of molesting her. Then, she'd take those thoughts, go back to her quarters, and pleasure herself with her di-lithium powered, 15 inch, self lubricating, battery operated buddy.

Also what would your suggestions be for college graduates who are entering the work force with degrees in creative writing and women’s studies?
Not exactly degree's in specific job catagories, where one would instantly go into a particular field. Still, those who would get a degree in creative writing would odds are have the ultimate goal of writing, and being published. To one who has that goal, I suggest getting a job in a field that the individual can deal with, but leaves adequate free time for writing. Eventually, the individual will get some works published, get income from those, and if they are really talented and/or lucky make enough money from writing to do just that-write.
Although, the combo would potentially allow them to get a job working in a gentlemen's club, studying the women and writing about them. At least that is what I would do.

Striving To Be The Best

Many of us try to do our best at whatever our goals are. On rare occasion, someone accomplishes that very deed, and manages to be the best at what they do. This is one of those occasions.

A man in South Carolina is the best at what he did. He is the greatest deadbeat dad in the history of all deadbeat dad's. He went so far as to fake his own death to avoid paying child support.

Well, he's been caught, now owes over $30,000 in back child support, and is charged with escaping prison.

Way to be #1!!!

Froyd and Jose's Questions

Froyd's Questions and My Answers

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Engineering students at my University, Purdue, had previously designed a licking machine. The machine itself was modeled after the human tongue. Using it, they had determined it takes on average 364 licks to get to the center. They also tested with 20 volunteers, who on average took 252 licks.

does captain crunch ever go soggy?
The captain crunch I grew up with did. It was the biggest form of false advertisement I've ever experianced in my lifetime. An entire bowl of it would go soggy after being in direct contact with milk for 2 seconds. In fact, a whole bowl would go soggy within a minute if the rooms ambient humidity level was above 75%. It has been brought to my attention from the Gravy Queen, that the current formula for Captain Crunch contains fiberglass, and therefore cannot go soggy.

when I say jump, do you ask how high?
No. After laughing hysterically for ten minutes, I use my mystical powers to summen the ancient god Priapus, who comes down from the sky and has his way with you. You then shriek in delight, and shout jump like you were a member of Kriss Kross.

Jose's Questions

Do they put underwear on corp[s]es?
No they don't. It would take the morticians, undertakers, and cleaning crew too long to remove them when they have sex with the bodies. No underwear allows much easier access.

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when it really just came on?
Because people are dumb. 60% of the modern population doesn't have the intellect to realize that half of the things they do are that stupid. Most people will buy more random shit in a checkout line if it is marked as being $1 than if it was $0.89. But, because the majority is a bunch of idiots, the rest of us are stuck saying things like that, even if it is ass backwards.

If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at Sunrise?
No. Those who practice Judiasm are in league with vampires. That is how kosher blood letting of meats began. Live animals were hung upside down, and the vampires would attack them, and drink the animals blood, killing them. It was then kosher to eat the animal.

Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?
PETA has stood in the way of this from ever happening. They would rather shove hot metal pokers in their asses than to let a single mouse be killed to determine its flavor for the cat food industry.

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
There are no actors on Unsolved Mysteries. The show has a time machine, where it goes back and films these horrific acts being done. They don't do anything, because it would alter the timeline, with possibly cataclismic results. If you ever see someone who claims to be a re-enactment actor on the show, they are really a heinous villain, and should be shot on sight.

Is That The Truth?

Since this one has been a theme on several blogs I read, I decided to do something entirely unoriginal, with my own special touch.

My own touch is based off a bit of dialogue between my favorite Star Trek character, Garak, and the doctor on the Space Station.

Bashir: So of the stories you told me, which ones were true?
Garak: My dear doctor, all of them were true.
Bashir: What about the lies?
Garak: Especially the lies.

This shall be simple. Ask me a question. Ask me several questions. I'll answer them. The catch is, I reserve the right to answer any question, and as many as I want to, with a complete and total lie. Besides, my conjured stories can be much more entertaining...

There will be no distinctions in the post between the truth and a lie. If someone asks in the comments if something is true, I will answer if it is true or not.

So, ask away...

The Swedish Chef Responds

In a previous post, I spoke of Pam Anderson against chicken.

The Swedish Chef from the Muppet show has also responded in his own unique way.

There He Goes Again...

So, how many cocktails do you think dubs had for this one?

(dubs drunk video?)

Example: Why Liberals Have a Bad Name

Political mastermind Pamela Anderson is fighting the state government of Kentucky, to get a bust (and not as in boobies bust) of Colonel Sanders removed from the state capital. According to her, and those mighty geniuses at PETA (who believe in executing animals by lethal injection instead of gassing them with carbon monoxide, then illegally throwing the bodies in dumpsters) the Colonel is a bad man.

The Colonel is evil, because he makes some DAMN tasty fried chicken. His fast food restaurant, that serves yummy, delicious, fried chicken, supports the slaughter of chickens. Occasionally there are some sick, perverse, cruel bastards that do some torture to the chickens, so therefore... the Colonel is evil, chicken is bad, and Kentucky is bad because they honor the man who had the business sense to create an empire.

Pam, you're an asshat. You date asshats. You marry, divorce, re-marry, date, divorce, and re-marry again abusive assholes, and wonder why you did it (we know you did it all for the winky).

For a woman who has put that much beef in her mouth on a regular basis, you have no right to complain about a few chickens being choked.

Let the Colonel rest in peace, and leave us meat eaters alone. Chicken's were put here for a reason. To be slaughtered by the millions, coated in batter, and deep fried for normal people who believe in a balanced diet to eat.

Pat "The Radical West's Cleric" Robertson: Business Savy 101

Everyone, take a business and ethics lesson from the mighty Pat Roberts.

1. Spend time and money trying to raise money to set up a Christian tourism center in Israel.
2. The day after the Prime Minister of Israel is hospitalized in critical condition, claim he is facing the wrath of God (therefore angering your business partners in Israel, who are members of Ariel Sharon's political party).
3. Get told there is no way they will do business with you, but are willing to continue with the project with anyone who is supportive of the Prime Minister's return to health.

I'm beginning to think Pat Roberts is facing the wrath of God. He sure has been the master of codemning everyone to Hell who happens to fall on bad times. Last time I checked, all good people tend to fall on bad times now and then.

Don't know about the rest of you, but I'm glad Patsy is just a crazy old man, and no one in any real position of authority.

Granny Loves TV - She's Gonna Come Back Too

A woman left strict instructions for her family: when she dies, she doesn't want to be shown, and that she was going to come back from the dead, so don't do anything silly like bury her, take her out of the house, etc.

So, they left her upstairs, turned the AC on, and blocked the door to the staircase upstairs with a blanket.

Granny stayed upstairs watching reruns of Gilligans Island, Maury Povich sending kids to bootcamp, and the Beverly Hillbillies for a few years. She still didn't come back. She did do a wonderful job of decomposing/mummifying and filling the upstairs with the wonderful fragrance of death. I think they sell death scented incense at gas stations...

I think granny made a bad decision. See, if I was gonna make a comeback, I'd leave much different instructions. Take my rotting corpse out partying Weekend at Bernies style. I want lapdances, alcohol, drugs, hookers... you name it. If its bad for you or can kill ya, I want it after I'm already dead. Can't make ya more dead right?

Not my intentions though. In the immortal words of Stephen Wright: "I plan on living forever. So far, so good."

Buddy Guy @ Legends, 1/7/2006

I saw Buddy Guy play at his blues club Legends last night. Only one word can describe it... Wow. Never thought a 69 year old man could put on THAT good of a show. I've been to my fair share of shows, and I've come to the conclusion that any rock artist needs to go see Buddy perform, and to take notes. The man knows how to work a crowd.

On top of the amazing showmanship, he still has the vocals and the guitar that made the man a living legend, member of the rock and roll hall of fame, and multi-grammy award winner.

The man is also known for doing a raunchy song in the middle of the show, which he did last night. He started talking about how they used to play these really bad songs back in the 60's, but there was no way they could ever record them, or get them played on the radio. Nowadays though, hip hop artists put these songs to shame.

My brother had told me about a show, where Buddy was doing an additional verse to "She's only 19 years old." (It went something like this): I got one leg to the right of me... (guitar) I got one leg to the left... (guitar) I'm here in the middle, just trying to do my best...

If any of you ever get a chance to see him play, GO.

Buddy Guy's Website (under construction)
Buddy Guy's Record Labels Website (has minute and a half sound clips of songs off newest CD)

Still A Quitter

Today is my two year anniversary of quitting smoking.

Unfortuneately, I didn't do as well quitting this year as I did during my first year... I got shitfaced drunk, and was tricked into taking two drags off a cigarette. That was my entire smoking for the past 365 days.

But, the main good news is, I'm still quit, still extremely happy I quit, and will remain quit.

I really like this breathing thing.

Celebrity Look Alikes

So, I checked out this website that for free will take a picture of your face, and compare it with a database of 2400 celebrities, and tell you what percent of facial features you share with some from the list (highest of course get shown). If you ask a high school girl, I get Jack Black. If you ask some 28 year old stoner, you might get Jack White. Not on this database.

First I ran it with a recent photo, with the long hair...

1. 68% River Phoenix
2. 61% Dave Grohl
3. 52% Avril Lavigne
4. 45% Al Pacino
5. 43% Gilles Villeneuve
6. 42% Curt Cobain
7. 41% Andrew Lloyd Webber
8. 39% Audrey Hepburn
9. 38% Thomas Edison
10. 38% Rod Laver

Then, I ran it again, with a two year old picture, when I shaved my head...

1. 54% James Horner
2. 49% Magic Johnson
3. 45% Mikhail Saakashvili
4. 44% Isabelle Huppert
5. 43% Al Capone
6. 39% Lech Walesa
7. 39% Barack Obama
8. 38% James Prescott Joule
9. 38% Jason Donovan
10. 38% Johnny Ramone
    

So, who do you folks look like?
(go here and find out)

iPorn: When You Need To Jerk-It On the Go

I, like many males and females, like porn. To say I don't watch something on a somewhat regular basis would be a huge lie. I freely admit I like porn, naked women, sex, sexual acts, and a long list of other things that I won't mention on this blog. Don't want to give out all my secrets.

I also, like many males and females, own an iPod that can do video. I have yet to pay (or not pay) for any video on the thing. I don't need to watch music videos on it. Its music, and I use it for pics of my friends, pets, and some vacation pics .

I can't think of why I would need to get porn on there. The thought of watching porn on a two inch screen really doesn't do much for me.

"But you can watch it ANYWHERE!!!"

So? I don't need to watch my hero Ron Jeremy in action because the line at McDonalds drive thru is long. I don't need to bring a copy of XTreme Teen 3 with me for those long breaks in between classes.

That is what throws me off about iPorn. What is the demographic that really needs to be able to watch porn on the go? Let alone, porn on a two inch screen!?!?

Yet another one of life's great unsolved mysteries...

Moral High Ground For Sale

Jack Abramoff, a lobbyist, has pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy, tax evasion, and mail fraud.

As part of his plea bargain, he will testify on behalf of the state against numerous members of congress. About 20 or so. Abramoff was believed to have a lot of influence with everyone's favorite moral high ground man Tom Delay.

Things keep going at this rate, we'll hear the words we haven't heard since the last BJ in the oval office. *looks around* Impeach.

Mid term elections coming up, and with a good chance of 20 incumbant Republicans being too busy trying to avoid getting sodomized in the penn to run for office, there is the possibilty of, if you'll excuse the term, a whole shitload of Democrats winning seats. Shift the powers a bit, and you have a leftward leaning congress.

Oh to dream...

What Every Neo-Con Wanted For Christmas

I'm sure there are a lot of die hard followers who wish they would have gotton this action figure for Christmas. dubs in full pilot regalia. He just looks so military kick ass.

Just wow, so realistic...

I wonder if it smells like Jack Daniels?

(awaits the Clinton BJ/draft dodger comment, since we all know if someone else ever did anything wrong its excuse to not have to do anything right.)

Not Just a Pimp, But Also a Knight

To my delight and surprise, one of my heroes has been granted Knighthood. The man shall now always be referred to as being Sir Tom Jones. I'm so glad it finally happened, as Sir Tom Jones is one of the greatest vocalists of our time.

It was many years ago, somewhere around 1994, one of my friends in high school bought the single (on cassette tape) for "If I Only Knew." Something about a 55 year old English man rapping part of a song, amused me. Along with the three guitar chords (with heavy distortion) in it made it just that much better. The music video for it is a classic too.

Years later, I watched one of the most underated movies ever made, Mars Attacks! Sir Tom Jones, starring as Himself was in it. I knew then, I had to further explore the man's musical archives...

That is when I picked up his greatest hits CD. This was not a mistake. It's Not Unusual, What's New Pussycat, She's a Lady, I (Who Have Nothing), his cover of the Prince classic Kiss... These songs are all timeless. Did I mention the man is a pimp too?

Later I'd come accross him doing covers of Lenny Kravitz's Are You Gonna Go My Way (with Robbie Williams) and Him doing a really good version of the Talking Heads song Burning Down the House with The Cardigans.

Congratulations on the honor Sir Tom Jones, and keep singing the way only you can.