Gravylicious People

I have made an executive decision. I'm going to just start adding peoples blogs to my little list of blogs over there on the sidebar. Its too empty and lonely. If I add yours, and you would like it removed, you may e-mail me at mrtoolbox911@netscape.net and I will take it down no problem. You can also just leave a comment. Whatever works best for ya. The list is going to add up and compile into something... HUGE. I read a LOT of blogs. Some I have never commented on. Reading is gooood.

Oscars, Chris Rock, and Fox News

I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night, but I did catch the opening monologue, since Chris Rock is simply one of the funniest comedians to ever walk the face of Gods now off-green earth. I thought his opening bit about the war between the Gap and the Banana Republic was hilarious.

At around 4AM, I was watching the national Republican news channel, Fox news. I try to watch it at least once a week, just to see the different style of reporting, and to get a different viewpoint. Often times, I do come across valid views from Republicans that make me think, and alter my own liberal standpoints. This was a case, of shock and amazement of the stupidity of two newscasters.

They attacked Chris Rocks opening monologue. Rock first stated he wouldn't make fun of the President, then went into his fictional war between the Gap and the Banana Republic. "It was apparantly about the President." No fucking shit? It was his intention. He's a comedian. He said one thing, and didn't do it, but did it. GET THE JOKE?

Part of his skit Rock said that the Gap was attacking the Banana Republic because they claimed the Banana Republic was selling "Toxic Tank Tops." Later he said that "a thousand Gap employees were dead, blood on the khakis, and we find out, they don't even sell tank tops!!!" The newscasters attacked him for making fun of soldiers dying, and later saying that he supports our troops over in Iraq, and that he should make up his mind. It was a fucking joke you damn biased Fox piece of shits, about a fictional war between two retail companies over TANK TOPS!!! It was meant to sound outragious and to be funny.

To top it all off, they added at the end. "Not to mention, these two stores would never go to war with each other, they are owned by the same parent company." That sums it up. Big business, no sense of humor, can't get a joke fucking idiots. I'm still in shock that two people can be that dumb, and try to look that deep into a joke. Same parent company? How sad.

Anyone who thinks comedians are all biased against Bush, think back. When Clinton was President, did you hear jokes about BJ's in the oval office? Did you hear jokes about big macs? Did you hear jokes about Chelsea? Thought so. Just like when a Democrat is elected in 2008, I'll be making fun of them too.

The Boondocks

News of the Week

Empor(ess) - Soon, there could be a new heir to the throne in Japan, and she's all of 3 years old. She will rule with an iron fist, crushing all who oppose her. Her first goal will be to bring back Japanese Imperialism. She was resently quoted as saying "Mine!!!" This is truly a sign of her evil plans. I fear for us all. She will bring Japan into the axis of evil. I think we should begin multi-lateral talks with Japan, to get her cruelty under control pre-emptively. That is if they can pass a law to allow a female to take the throne.

Cradle Robber - As punishment for sleeping with another man's wife, a man's niece has been betrothed to the man whose wife he slept with. Oh, forgot to mention. His neice is 2, and the man whose wife he slept with is 42. So the old guy will have to wait till the girl that he is robbing from the cradle is 18 to marry her. Sounds like a good way to get revenge at a brother you don't like though. Wait till they have children and sleep with another man's wife, who just happens to be poor and ugly. Get their daughter married off to a poor ugly guy.

Pill Changes Taste - birth control pills change women's taste in men. Makes them pickier. So ladies, stay off the pill until you start dating seriously. That is why none of us guys measure up to your high standards. It isn't our fault. Its all the drugs fault!!! Its cuz you are on DRUGS!!! Just say NO!!! Weren't you listening to Nancy Reagan and the D.A.R.E. program?

Strippers = Artful - A strip, er, gentlemans club in Idaho found a clever way around the nudity laws in the area. Hand out sketch pads and pencils one night a week, and it became ALL NUDE night. Oh yeah. It wasn't women getting nekkid and grinding, it was ART damnit. (Although some women do make it an art...) They even post some of the drawings. I'd love to do this. I do have mad drawing skills. I'm no Napoleon Dynamite, but I can do some pretty lifelike stick figures.

PETA Hates Candy - Animal rights groups now hate sugar and candy. Kraft did such a naughty thing. They made Road kill candy. Flattened lumps of sugar with tire treads on them. Just disgusting enough for kids to love them, parents to make faces, and kids to love it more. So, idiots are protesting the cruelty to sugar. To those idiots, I must say, I bite the heads off of animal crackers!!!

Another Cartoon Legacy Destroyed - The folks over at Warner Bros. have done it. They have destroyed the looney toons entirely. They are trying to turn the group into superheros. Not in the sense of Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century. That rocked. Like some sort of X-men on angel dust. I'm upset by this. Create new shit. Be creative. Recycle paper, aluminum, cars, and shit like that. Don't recycle the same characters, over and over and over and over again. It gets BORING!!!

Sixth Sense - Researchers say the brain has a "sixth sense" that helps us predict danger. I say bullshit on this one. Its dead in us humans. How many people stared at the big waves as they crashed ashore during the tsunami? How many people didn't move when avalanches, mudslides, and other natural disasters have happened? We can see or not see BIG SHIT coming at us, and not do a damn thing. More research money wasted. Just give me the cash, and I'll tell you the results. Used to have a sixth sense, now its as useful as holding an AA meeting at Ted Kennedy's house.

Saudi Oil Peaked - Saudi Arabia can't put out more oil than it currently is, or it risks damaging its oil fields. Damaged oil field = millions of barrels of oil left underground unreachable. This brings in, the dubs and Dickey oil plan. End the threat of WMDs, er... liberate the people of Iraq!!! Yes, liberty brings friends. Then that oil for food thing goes away, and we have free trade, right?

Bush Hates Science - dubs (not suprisingly) does not use science in his administration. Most major decisions involving things like ecology, global warming, space, and other things of a scientific nature, he doesn't take the council of top scientists on. He probably just flips coins, makes one of those paper fortune teller things, or does some sort of chanting. Science is bad, it has a tendancy to contradict religion. The earth was created in 4,006 B.C. and dubs won't have it any other way!!!

Ahnold Exposed - Little site about how Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger wants to bring his special version of Fascism to the US, and cripple all of us "Girlie Men."

Fellowship of the Ring - comparison of the quality of HD (high definition) and DVD versions of the movie. (note: High definition is WAY BETTER!!!)

Star Wars Episode III spoiler - A bunch of pics, and some storyline from the new Star Wars movie coming out May 19th. Its not as detailed as some spoilers I've come across, but it does give the main storyline info away. So if you don't wanna know jack shit, don't click. If you are too curious (like me) click away.

Mega 64 - Is it a joke? Is it a movie? Is it a joke of a movie? You be the judge...

You Know You're From Chicago... - This thing is sickly true. If anyone wants to know Chicago culture, read this. I am familiar with about 90% of them. A few left me clueless. I think it might be generational. There are also other regional ones on the site, for cities, states, etc.

Cartoons OF DOOM!!!

Not a good week. Few updates, and most were bad. I'll add a few classics, to show what good cartoons are supposed to be like.

Big Bunny 3 - Big Bunny tells the crunchy children about a great plan for their futures. This is a great episode. Possibly my favorite big bunny episode.

Rock Opera - New Strongbad. Name sounds good. Intro good. Rest bad. Worse than a flashback episode of "Different Strokes."

Techno - OLD strongbad. It shows the true genius of the masked man.

Foamy's Rant IV - New Neurotically yours. This one was so bad, I almost didn't post it.

Fatkins Diet - OLD ASS Neurotically yours. THIS is why I am an addict of this site. Watch and laugh.

Mathematical Proof - Girls Are Evil

Music - Into The Dawn Of Darkness

I once took a day out of the week, to provide some sort of musical commentary to the masses, and I quit doing that. I lost my way. No more. Music is a major part of my life. I have a wide interest in music, covering many genre's and artists. I am also very opinionated.

This brings me to probably my favorite musical genre, but one that is highly misunderstood, and gets little respect musically from many: metal. It amazes me that artists like Justin Timberlake, who do not write or compose their music, just simply show up to a studio and sing, recieve critical acclaim. Many metal and rock artists have to record for a decade in order to recieve the accolades a pop star can get in one album.

Todays metal band is Mushroomhead. They hail from Cleveland, Ohio. All 8 of them. They are one of the bands that (unfortuneately) use a popular metal gimmik--the mask. A die hard Slipknot fan will argue Mushroomhead copied them. A die hard Mushroomhead fan will point to pictures of Mushroomhead back in 92 with them wearing masks. An old person like me who listens to bands for music and not gimmics will tell the kids to shut their asses up it doesn't matter, the music is what matters.

The band itself is comprised of a wide variety of sounds. Its not all noise, as many people believe metal is. Two vocalists (although one recently left the group). One vocalist resembling more of a Marilyn Manson voice, higher pitched and more melodic. The other a Phil Anselmo of Pantera/Down/Superjoint Ritual style of vocals; lower, rougher, and more of a barking rhythmic vocal. Besides the more common bass, guitars, and drums, they also use synthesizers, samples, and a surprising amount of piano (many have given them referances to Faith No More.)

Lyrically speaking, the band is one of the better metal bands out there. Here is a brief exerpt from the song "Nowhere To Go."

we've been brought here for a reason
Be it fate, or internal treason
Souls will be saved,
Or mutiny's waged,
As we plead for something to believe in

Another song that deserves lyrical mention is "Destroy the World Around Me." This type of song is what I refer to as a metal opera; a type of song that the pop music world will never understand. The song is over 8 minutes long, with numerous tempo changes. Its something Metallica once excelled at, before they turned into a Metal/Pop band. "Your government is in control. They'll keep you safe inside your homes. Board your windows, lock your doors. Let freedom ring." Lovely lyrics. This is the music of the Nu-Hippy era. Not to say every song they have written is lyrically outstanding. Some are terrible in every aspect.

The band has also done the necessary covers, as is ever so popular nowadays. I know I have a sick fascination with covers of songs. Pink floyd has been covered, along with Seals "Crazy (Never Gonna Survive)." At a show I saw them at last spring, they did a rather interesting yet amazing cover of "When Doves Cry" by Prince. (I really really really hope this makes a CD.)

If the band interests you, check out their webpage. They have videos for a couple songs, "Sun Doesn't Rise" and "Solitaire/Unraveling." I'd recommend "Sun Doesn't Rise" to a new listener, as it is a bit more mainstream acceptable. They also have samples of songs available to listen to. Metal isn't everyone's taste, but be openminded, it might surprise you.

And what would all this be without a group photo? Patriotic bunch of guys, aren't they?

Another Week, An Udder Poll

Last weeks poll gets the killing. A fresh and crispity crunchity poll gets brought in. Here are results of previous polls.

What did you get for VD?

1. 80% That day is like a papercut. Thanks for pouring lemonjuice into the wound.
2. 20% Some flowers that will be dead in a few days.
3. 0% One of those cool beyonce foil cards; Mmmmm. Chocolate; I'm not telling, that is between me, some ice cubes, a pitching wedge, and a stuffed bear.
   

President 2008 race

1. 35% Homer Simpson with the Bee
2. 32% Dave Chappelle as RICK JAMES BITCH!!!
3. 23% Michael Moore with extra cheese
4. 10% Bill O'Reilly with a falafel

The new poll is: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

• Super strength. I would be able to pick up H2's and juggle with them
• X-Ray vision. See through walls. See through clothes. See through the dirty windshield on my car...
• Care Bear Stare. First Target.... Dick Cheney.
• The ability to have my entire house and car cleaned at the snap of my fingers.

Happy polling people. Vote or cry.

Paris Got Hacked

In case some of you didn't know, Paris Hilton's cell phone got hacked. All her phone numbers and contacts are now available on the web. Kinda sad and disgusting. Of course to show my complete lack of taste and discretion, I am going to post a link to a website that has the information.

Big Fat Link To Paris Hiltons Phonebook

I had a lot of thoughts on people on there to call:

Fred Durst to tell him he has little talent, that Wes Borland was right, and he should just get a job molesting goats.

Vin Diesel just to tell him he has no acting talent, and should just stick to roles where he doesn't talk, and just plays a bad ass.

Ashlee Simpson to tell her she can't sing, or dance (what the hell is that leg flop side to side thing?), and to stop pretending, because she only got where she is because of her sister.

Lil John and just say "Yeah!!!" and hang up.

Pharrell and just tell him he is a god.

I just wish she had some celebrity numbers on there I could use, like women I lusted. None I could spot. I think all she hangs out with are waifish blonde girls, and the occasional brown haired girl. You need new friends Paris. And a new phone number. I'm sure your friends all changed theirs. Poor people.

Can't Quote This

"Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard." - Daphne Du Maurier (I like this one. I am not seen, except for my eye, or heard.)

"Why care for grammar as long as we are good." - Artemus Ward (I bet he was good friends with Master Yoda.)

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interupt." - Henry John Kaiser (What about when your work speaks 'half assed effort?')

"I base everything on the fact that all men are basically just 7 years old." - Joan Collins (Understandable for a woman who is 124, there are no men in her age group.)

"My brain is my second favorite organ." - Woody Allen (I really think Woody, and his all appropriate name, needs to start a porn career. I'd love to see him star opposite of Jenna Jameson.)

"There is less in this than meets the eye." - Tallulah Bankhead (That sounds so fulfilling. She should write commercial jingles or Hallmark cards.)

Newsday

Fired on Day Off - And I thought this only happened in the movie "Friday." A man who had been working for the Miller brewery for four years, was fired on his day off, because a picture of him showed up in the paper, drinking a beer. He was off work, enjoying a beer with his friends. He was drinking Budweiser. The day that picture was printed in the paper, he was called into an office, and fired. Now, if they give away free beer, he should be fired. I mean, free beer is worth it.

No Beer Bellies - Another great study, that I am sure will improve my life. Rats don't have beer bellies, because they treat drinking beer as a meal, while humans don't. That is why they don't get beer bellies. I am so thankful that we spent thousands to possibly millions of dollars to find this out. I am sure this information will benefit me. I never thought that beer was empty calories. I always thought it was pure, wholesome nutrition. I am glad those rats taught me such a valuable lesson. I shall now appoint them my rulers, and do their bidding.

One Cup of Wine... - Beware world, China will soon corner the market on alcohol. Forget every other countries specialty brew, fermentation, and distillation. China has them all beat. People will never want to drink that French Wine, Mexican Tequilla, Russian Vodka, or 18 year Highland Single Malt Double barrell Scotch again!!! Why would you want that, when you could have some yummy Chinese fish wine. Mouth watering already huh?

Babies Love Mountain Dew - Yet another reason why people have fat kids. Not by giving kids artificially flavored carbonated beverages (pop, soda, coke). A parent wouldn't think of doing that. They give them juice nonstop. Too bad most of the juice they give them has as many calories, sometimes more, than the alternative. 50 years ago kids drank water and milk. Now kids get 1500 calories a day of Juicee Juice, made with real sugar!!!!!

Microsoft c4r35 - The trusted people at microsoft, give a complex look into the internet fad of leetspeak. Where the annoying kids type in characters with foul capitalization so that people have difficulty understanding what they are typing, so they seem cool. I think leetspeakers are the same kids that were given Mt. Dew as babies, and have caffiene rot of their brains.

Good Morning Neighbor - Right before they went on vacation, a couple set up a fun little toy. A shitload [Ed. Note: a large number of. Mass quantity.] of speakers, with a timer set to make the sound of a rooster, every night, between 2 and 4 am, for 20 minutes. It would wake all the neighbors. The neighbors just called the cops, and the people got a fine. They said the people never showed animosity before. I wouldn't have been so nice. First off, I would have cut the power to the idiots house. Its not hard to do, I could have got a friend to help me. No power to the fridge, rotton food = stinky house. I have a rather long list of "other" things I have planned, but this could be used as evidence one day...

Free Land - Getting sick of living in your thriving community? Pack up and move to some backwards, dying, little town in Kansas and get a free plot of land. All you have to do is build a home and live in it for a year. Now just have to watch out for those tornados that throw your new house on witches.

POW's? Bah!!! - American POWs who were captured and beaten during the original gulf war, and had been court ordered a settlement, had the white house overrule that settlement. Our own POWs don't need money for being tortured and abused according to the white house. Would cut into those profits dubs and Halliburton are going to be making off of Iraq. Take a billion dollars away, and dubs isn't going to have as much money in his pocket. Iraq needs that money more than our POWs do, according to the white house.

No Late Fees My Ass - There is already a class action lawsuit against blockbuster for its bullshit no late fees claim, since some stores don't participate, and the ones that do mark you down as buying the movie after 8 days. The class action is only in New Jersey, so everyone who got screwed in this brief... month or so, don't go running out trying to sign up just yet.

Stem Cells Improve Lifestyles - I am so thankful. The ultimate improvement in our lives from stem cell research is within grasp. The better breast implant. It holds shape better. Feels better. Looks better. I'm soooooo happy. I really hated saline implants, and silicone were just too dangerous. Stem cells may finally turn my opinion of breast implants around. YAY stem cell research!!!

Gaming Ads - Ever get pissed at ads during games? Ever not wanna quit playing a game so you could do something like... get food? Everquest 2 figured out a way around that. They built in a command, to order pizza, while playing. So now, while playing EQ2 for 12 hours straight, you can order some pizza hut online, so you can eat and chant to restore your mana.

Pimpzilla - As any regular knows, I got pissed at internet explorer and quit using it, and started using mozilla firefox. Fun thing is, you can customize it, since it is open source software. I now have a new skin for it, called pimpzilla. Its all fur, gold, and diamonds. Big pimpin. Here's a screenshot of it.

Rockrage Band Fonts - Page with a bunch of fonts you can install on your comp that are designed like various bands have on their albums. Aerosmith, Alice In Chains, Evenescence, Def Leppard, Mushroomhead, Pantera, Slipknot, Korn, WHITESNAKE!!!! and others....

UglyPeople.com - Pictures of people, and you get to rate how ugly you think they are. Some are really ugly, some are just making faces, some bad photoshop jobs...

2005 Computer Calendar - Oh, this is anyone named Poindexter with a pocket protector's wet dream. They don't build em like this anymore. Wow.

Cartoon Update - Holiday Style?

Big Bunny 2 - Episode 2 of the Big Bunny run for Easter. Last week was about crunchy dogs, this week the bunny tells the crispy children about the Turnip King.

Happy Tree Friends - A late Valentines gift from me, to all of you. This thing is beautiful.

She Blocked Me - Parody of "She Fucking Hates Me." This thing is brilliant, especially if you are a net nerd like myself.

Recipes - Strongbad shares recipes....

Kansas City Worldskippers vs. Soviet Communauts - The KC Worldskippers try to save us from the evils of Communism again. Can they do it?

What Ya Cookin? - Now this is my idea of a good commercial... TWISTED!!!

If dubs Drew a Picture of the World....

Buy Blue

We are all consumers. Each and every one of us must buy merchandise for our daily needs and survival. Its a basis of our culture.

I have come accross yet another list of companies, that donate money to political compaigns. It breaks down the money as to how much that company donates to Republicans and Democrats. We can make an additional stand besides our vote. We can hurt the companies that support politicians we don't. We don't have to buy from them. Try to buy from the bluest company possible. Avoid the pure reds. Non-US citizens can make an impact too. Some of these companies are international. Boycott them as well.

Less money for Republican political campaigns is better for our beliefs.

Buy Blue Website

Vote or.... ummm... Don't?

I have the results of last weeks poll, which shall be getting killed off. I also will not be posting presidential results since that poll is still in the same order. Here is the results of the taxation by Red Representation poll.

1. 50% NO NEW TAXES!!! The Republicans hate taxes more than they hate people with governments that aren't exactly like ours.
2. 33% Condom Tax. Only immoral people have sex, which isn't Red Staters.
3. 17% CD and DVD Tax. The music and movie industry is full of liberals. Take that Michael Moore!!!

The poll this week has to do with... "What did you get for VD?"

Of course it has some of my usual creative questions. If its presidential, and you want a VD poll, hit refresh to bring up a nice, happy poll on VD. Oh, by the way, VD is Valentines Day. All previous polls mentioned will not return. Only election 2008 and VD.

Saint Valentines Day

Another day to run out, and get that special someone in your life a card, flowers, candy, jewelry, or a gift of some sort. These holidays just sprout up all over the place. They all have some sort of Christian connotation to them too. The holiday is far from what the original purpose was.

I did a little research, and no one is really sure why Saint Valentines Day became the lovers holiday. Its been rumored to be birds mating, to a number of other possibilities. I'm sure that the hook up holiday had nothing to do with a Saint. People who make it to sainthood usually have very little to do with lovers.

Saint Valentines day is also the number one cheaters holiday of the year. More people cheat on their spouses or significant others on this holiday than any other day of the year. How romantic. Just the way we should acknowledge a religious figure. Why else would the initials be V.D.

In Saudi Arabia, Saint Valentines day is outlawed, because it is believed to be a religious holiday. In all truths, it isn't. It was a day that honored a saint, that got twisted around and became the lovers/sex/cheating holiday. It's as religious as arbor day.

Besides, any religious figure known as a Saint, is declared by the Pope. So, in order to recognize a Saint, you must be Roman Catholic. Therefore, if one were to celebrate a day involving a Saint as a religious holiday, and you were a religion other than Roman Catholic, that would make someone a heretic. At least that is what logic makes me think.

All in all, Valentines Day as we know it is bullshit. Its a bunch of made up crap to sell shit. A conspiracy by card and candy companies to make money. Do you really need a holiday to show someone you love how you feel, or should you be showing them every day?

Single folk like me... we just sit around and make fun of you couples who run around like dumbasses today to celebrate the capitalist holiday. Haha!!! *points and laughs*

Improved Quotes - NOW with Commentary

I've been doing quotes I hear, and quotes I get on my cell phone for a while now. I've decided to make it more entertaining. I'm going to add commentary to it, where i see fit. I know I'll run into some in the future where its just a kick ass quote that I don't wanna touch. This week though... not the case.

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typwriters." - Solomon Short (I wonder what his opinion of blogs would be?)

"The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from." - Gene Fowler (The ultimate guide to plaigerism)

"We must live as we think, otherwise we shall end up thinking as we have lived." - Paul Bourget (How about if we just think that we live, so we live as we think, but not as we really live?)

"Have we not all one father?" - Bible (Does that mean that every woman I have had sex with was my sister? EWWW!!!)

"Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else." - Andr T Gide (I'd like to hear him say that after meeting a few beggers in Chicago.)

"The lovin' only lasts so long. Looks fade. If she can cook, that will last forever." - Some drunk guy at Mardis Gras (That has to be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I think I'm going to put that in my wedding vows when I get married in 15 years.)

Toolbox News: You Hear It Eventually...

Jesus Day - This one is a bit old. Back in his days as Governor, dubs tried to instate Jesus Day in Texas. Yeah, he definately knows the seperation of church and state like is stated in the United States Constitution. George Washington was a deist, like most of the founding fathers. Get it straight people.

Beat It - This is amazing. Its a nylon rod, designed for beating your children. Its ad is riddled with lines from the bible. I am amazed that the way a good book can be turned into something an advertisement for child abuse, or just about anything else by taking a line here and there out of it. So, if you wish, be biblical, beat your children.

Corey and Jacko - Corey Feldman, has been subpoened for the little boy rapist case. Guess back when Corey was just a teenager, and doing heavy drugs and groupies, Jacko was showing him pics too. He was showing him some pics of stuff like, herpes, syphalis, and gonorhea. Yeah, educational VD books. Jacko was looking out for another child star. I actually have to give some props to him. You know he had to have gotton a case of the clap when he was in the Jackson 5 from some 19 year old groupie at the age of 11.

Is It On E-Bay? - A man is offering ten thousand dollars for a mummy that was lost years ago. It would only be 17 inches tall if it was standing up. He thinks its the mummy of some tiny people that once lived in North America. He also is looking for pieces of Noahs Arc, and Giants that once lived on earth. Uh huh. I think he should look for something more menacing, and dangerous: the asparagus people. They are green, about a foot high, with spikey hair, and sharp teeth. Carnivorous by nature. Scary. They must be erradicated. If you hear a tapping at your window late at night... it might be them. Watch out. They're coming for you.

Smoking Ban - Smoking is being banned in public. It is bad for peoples health. Oh, don't worry smokers, its not happening in the US. Its happening overseas. Yeah, how communist. Exactly. In Cuba. Where the #2 export is tobacco. Of course, as Fidel put it after quitting smoking "the best thing to do is give them to your enemy." Why must I be so fascinated by Fidel? That's right, Republicans call me a commie.

Droopy Draws Ban - Virginia's state house has managed to ban peoples underwear from showing. This must be a fun law enforcement. Know who I feel sorry for? Plumbers. They're screwed. what do you see before ass crack? Underwear. Any career field that involves bending over, with large people is done for. You can't help but your pants dropping down a little bit. Underwear peak out a little. BAM!!! Fine. I'm never stepping foot in Virginia.

Presidents Gone Wild - dubs decided to flash the world in his underwear while hanging out in Ireland. Yes, how conservative. He really speaks values to me. Hanging out having pictures taken in his underwear, waving the middle finger for cameras. That's conservative christian values for ya.

Till Surgery Due You Part - A man and a woman get married. One of them gets a sex change. Its now a man and a man married, or a woman and a woman married. What happens? That's the new question facing some states. They passed those evil, stupid, dumbass laws that ban a loving couple from tying the knot in a civil ceremony. Now, they have this issue to face. Can the state force a divorce? That sounds fascist. Government sponsored divorces doesn't sound like a small, moral, staying out of my business government.

Music Industry Genius - As the music industry quickly continues its witchhunt for its slouching record sales, placing the blame on the internet instead of corporate takeover of radio stations, and watered down sound alike recording artists, they filed a great lawsuit. They sued a dead grandmother. They sued a 3 month dead, would have been 83 year old woman who didn't know how to use a computer, for file sharing. Take a look in the mirror guys. Listen to what is being offered on the radio. Thats why sales are down. I have a cure for your probs. I'll post it one day.

Pimp My Ride - What would your mom do if you took the car, before you got your license? I'm talking a 1:30 am cruise to the video store, and you hit 2 parked cars, and a cop car? This one did nothing. Kid didn't even get a ticket, or charges filed on him. Did I mention the little freak was 4 years old? Little rat drove a quarter mile to the video store, found it closed, and drove BACK HOME!!! Got the car in gear, in reverse, back in gear, in park.

Modern Drunkard Survival Guide - List of survival guides for many situations. A.A. meeting. Fending off a religious nut. How to drink in a bar after hours. How to survive an intervention. How to survive being bounced from a bar. How to avoid being cut off....

...that's the news as I saw it.

And the Trogdor Comes In the Night

Today, is another monumentous day in video/cartoons. I will do the minor updates first, then I shall do the story behind the major update.

Pedro Sanchez Soundboard - First was Napoleon, now Pedro. My favorite is the "He's nipple number five."

Inner Demons - Foamy and his squirrelly freinds kidnap Germaine and try to make her not depressed...

Death Becomes Them - X-men spoof. Bad animation, and cheesy voices. For some reason, I thought it was hysterical.

Big Bunny 1 - This is a twisted cartoon series, that is my version of Easter. Just because, it has a big pink bunny. I'll have an episode of it linked every week until then. There are only seven episodes. I laughed like mad when I first saw them last year.

Trogdor - His History

Now, the major update. Not many of you know who Trogdor is, so I have to share. It is something from Homestarrunner. They did an update that involves that particular character. Without knowing the history, it isn't as funny. Plus, the history is actually funnier than the most recent update. So, here it all is, in chronological order.

Strongbad E-Mail - Everything starts off as a strongbad e-mail, doesn't it? This one goes way back too. Before the laptop. Before compy 486. Compy 386. Was a simpler time. Note: It is possible to download the song at the end of the e-mail. Bottom of the screen... downloads....

Peasants Quest - Preview for the greatest video game EVER!!! They actually made the game too. You can play it. Its too damn hard. I got killed by a Kerrek.

Peasants Quest - The MOVIE (Big 10 megs) (small 2.5 megs) - They made a cheesy movie. Its like, Lord of the Rings meets Final Fantasy but worse than Masters of the Universe.

"Liberal Pussies"

"All the liberals do is whine and complain, cuz they are afraid to fight. They are just a bunch of pussies. If it wasn't for us, they would be dead."

Ever hear that? I know I have. Thing that amazes me, is that always comes out of the mouth of a civilian. Yeah, a blogger too. Most bloggers are... in the 18-30 year old age group. If they are so damn tough, and so pro-war, I have a few questions.

First off, how have they saved me? I mean, sitting there typing really isn't exactly a valiant effort towards doing anything beneficial towards my life. If that was the case, I might be able to do a word count between the various blogs I've had, and I might beat them on a word count, so I might win the battle on saving lives. I typed more, I win. Hahahahahahaha. They could spellcheck me though, I know I do mispell words often. I'm not a professional writer after all, and don't submit my work to any major literary sources, and have no intentions of doing so.

Now, onto the more pressing question: If they are so pro-war, and think I am such a "liberal pussy" for being anti-war, how come they aren't enlisting? Seriously. I think they are the ones who need to tell me why they aren't risking their lives for what they think is such a noble cause. I'm a "pussy" for not fighting in a war in Iraq I don't believe in, but they aren't for not fighting in it?

Next time you get called that, ask them why they don't enlist. Seriously. If they love the idea of war, and blowing up things in far off lands so much, they should prove it. Enlist. Uncle Sam needs them. It is the ultimate way for them to show their support.

I can guarentee they will come up with an excuse why they haven't or can't.

Gravylicious People

The blogroll has been installed, and I have a total of three links on it. The blogroll thing is a lot easier than constantly editing HTML code. Besides, it does cool things, like re-order, and have things pop up, like *New* *Gravy* when people update. It is located over in the sidebar, under the heading "Gravylicious People."

As I said before, I only link with permission. Unless it is one of those sites that get hundreds of hits a day, and subscribe to ten billion things to get hits. That's different. They definately want the attention.

Internet Explorer Can Go To Hell and Die!!!

I now lay IE to rest. I hope it is a slow painful fiery death. I don't know if I lucked into some sort of spyware/virus, or a protective measure that Bill Gates and company felt I needed. All I know is, I lost the ability to do what I have been doing for the past 10 years. Searching where you can also type in an URL. I would go into IEs settings and change it... changes back.

I took my normal problem solving steps. Update antivirus. Scan. Update my spyware programs. Scan. Download NEW spyware program (legally free ones of course.) Scan. My system is very clean right now. Still no go. I didn't have the problem earlier today. I didn't have the problem last night. We did have a massive windows update today, that was giving me problems with windows messanger AND IE.

So, Billy, I have to salute you with my middle finger right now. I used to be one of your biggest defenders. Not anymore. Either a crack in your software fucked me, or you fucked me. I don't like being fucked unless I give permission to be fucked. I have downloaded one of those alternate, and free, web browsers. I'm using it now. Its now my default browser. Thanks for looking out for my safety. I don't use your shit anymore. That safe enough?

Fucking bastard.

Shout Outs/Addiction

I'm going to install one of those Blogroller things on my page, with a list of peoples blogs on it so that they can be linked from my blog. I know that most people like more hits to their blogs, but some don't want em. So, If you want yours thrown on the list, just add a comment. If I already visit your blog, no need for an URL. If I can get to your profile, then to your blog that way, no need for an url. If I can't get to your profile, or you have 8 blogs and you only want one linked, tell me. If I know you though, and only read one of yours, that's the one I am going to link instinctively. Think that's it.

Now, my new addiction. I discovered a song last night I am now addicted to. First, a little background. I have an almost scary fascination with covers of songs. (iTunes tells me 319 songs worth). I discovered a new one last night. A cover of a song written by Willie Nelson, and made famous by Patsy Cline known as "Crazy" performed by the industrial rock/techno band known as the Kidneythieves. Female vocalist. Her vocals are low and raspy at times, and full blown and angry at others. Just amazingly yummy. That song is my new addiction. Thought I'd share.

Polls a Day Early

Since I did the poll on the Super Bowl, it would be kind of stupid to leave it up till Tuesday. So, I bring you the results, and the new poll, a day early. The results of the Super Bowl poll:

1. 56% Ditka, he may not be playing, but it is who I WANT to win.
2. 33% Eagles, they have chunky soup on their side.
3. 11% Patriots, Brady can't be stopped.

Presidential is relatively unchanged.

• 33% Dave Chappelle as RICK JAMES BITCH!!!
• 33% Homer Simpson with the Bee as his V.P.
• 23% Michael Moore, with extra cheese
• 10% Bill O'Reilly with a falafel

New poll is politically motivated, and inspired by my friends over at the Democratic Goddesses of America. This is all theoretical. The Republicans hate taxes, but also hate things like, oh, sex since it is immoral. At least sex where you would need a condom. They also hate the music and movie industry, since it is filled with liberals. What do you think they would do? Tax condoms more, music and movies, or just keep the deficit going higher? That is this weeks poll, which will run to the normal tuesday.

Just a repeat of accessing polls. Hit refresh and it will eventually bring up either the tax poll or the 2008 election poll. All old polls are removed. I had someone hit refresh about 50 times last week, and I am thinking they were trying to bring up a dead poll. After a poll is killed.... its dead. Killed means dead. Dead means gone. Gone means not here anymore. I might resurrect some when I get a bigger audience one day. Until then though... dead.

Unreliable Quotes

I got this list of quotes as a forwarded e-mail. I trust forwarded e-mails about as much as I trust dubs. 10% of it is true. However, they were just way too funny to not share. So, I am writing a disclaimer that there is a chance that the people listed as saying them may or may not have said them. I'm not in the mood to try and search out if all these folks really did or didn't say it. It'd take me hours on end, and the disclaimer was just a hell of a lot easier. If any of these people happen to read it, and didn't say it, I'll change it to "not your name." That way there is no confusion. Of course many of the names listed have passed away.

• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
• Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield
• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. - Lynn Lavner
• Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - Camille Paglia
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. - George Burns
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. - Jack Nicholson
• Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. - Barbara Bush
• Ah, yes ... , di * vorce \ de-'vo(e)rs , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Robert De Niro
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. - Jerry Seinfeld
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
• It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. - George Burns

Weekend Otherworldly News

Splenda is Made With??? - Sugar and yummy chlorine. Mmmmm.... swimming pool. Yes. They don't mention that part in the commerical. They are getting sued for false advertisement, because they make it sound natural. What kind of dumb ass thinks "sugar substitute" sounds natural? Part of the lawsuit is rival no-calorie sweetener companies, and part is being done by the sugar growers institute. So, its the competition suing... Nice. Hope they all sue each other out of business, and we get to sweeten all our food with salt since it looks like sugar.

Mom's and Child's Weight - A study shows that overweight moms have overweight kids. We pay for this? I could have told you this for a lot less money. I'm sure genetics play a factor, but I'm sure that a few pounds of butter, twinkies, bacon, and french fries play a factor too. I have another guess. If Mom's bond by watching TV with their kids, the kids are more likely to be overweight than if they bond by playing outside. I think I deserve a ten million dollar grant for this discovery.

Reality Radio - We need this station. A psychiatric hospital in Buenos Aires has a radio show run by the patients. Its talk radio. Hours on end, of people in a pschiatric hospital talking about what is on their minds. The patients say it helps them out more than the docs and the drugs, that it is very thereputic for them. It draws a big audience. Sounds win win for me. Before American Idol, we have the premier of Psychiatric Ward 90210!!!

Obese Dancers - Now this is entertainment. 200+ pound dancers performing ballet. Most of us will never be able to see this. Why? Economic sanctions. Yes. Our government forbids us from seeing such a wonderful show of grace and beauty (not counting you north of the border Canadians). This ballet happens just south of us, in Cuba. Next up, after American Idol, Obese Dance Party USA!!!

Speaking of Cuba... - My homeslice Fidel gave one of his famed 8 hour speeches recently. He spoke about a lot of things, one of them being dubs inauguration speech. He said dubs had "the face of a deranged person.'' He then stated he wished it was only his face that was deranged. He got a standing ovation. All I can say is... GOOD PUNCHLINE!!!!!

Adopt a Road - So, you're driving down the road and you see a sign. The sign reads "American Nazi Party - Adopt a Highway." You are going to be shocked and appalled right? Write a nasty letter somewhere. That will do you no good. They pay the money, they clean it up. They even get ONE free sign. They can't be denied it because it would be discrimination. I know what I would do. I'd spraypaint "Kill Whitey" across the sign. The group has to pay for replacements. [ed. note: this blog does not support the killing of whitey.]

I'm a Survivor - A man was driving down a lonely mountan road, with nothing but his SUV and a lot of beer. It gets hit by an avalanch. He began to dig his way out, but he soon realized that he wouldn't be able to dig through it all. So, he used the beer, and drank it.... and pee'd his way out. He was found hours later, wandering the road. Drunk and alive.

Survivor 2 in France - A man goes into a cave to die. Of course he brings a flashlight. He gets lost. His flashlight dies. He eats clay and wood for 35 days. He gets found by kids ditching school. Uh, Mr... I don't think you wanted to die if you were willing to eat clay and wood for 35 days. Idiot.

Crazy Bear - Yet another boycott. People find this thing offensive. Its a teddy bear in a straight jacket that has a heart on it. Its called the "crazy for you" teddy bear. Mental health groups, human rights groups, and the Governor of Vermont are protesting it. Its a great idea. Anyone in a straight jacket isn't gonna ever see the damn thing anyway. If I was in love with someone in a mental institution, I wouldn't get them one. Get a fucking grip. The only thing I protest on the thing is the price. $70.

Internet Hoax - Ever get one of those chain letters that tells you how some company hates veterans? 90% of the time those chain letters are BULLSHIT!!! I read a news story on one about starbucks, and just decided to throw it in my news. Amazes me how we can watch the regular news, and think that it isn't true, BUT we get an e-mail that was forwarded from someone we don't know that says something about KFC growing chickens in a lab (which is false) and we believe it. Just do a search before ya forward shit. Here is a good site to check shit out on. (urban legend site.)

Most Popular Suicide Site - San Francisco is struggling with keeping people from committing suicide by jumping off the golden gate bridge. They want to put up a multi-million dollar suicide barrier. I call bullshit on this one. People will find another bridge to jump off of. People will find another way to do it. Its not like they are going to look to change their mind, because they couldn't do it off the golden gate bridge. Besides, you put up a suicide barrier, and it doesn't work, someones family will sue the damn city for it not working if it doesn't later on. We all know how this shit works. OR "I tried to kill myself, fell into the suicide barrier and broke my arm, and am suing the city for 10 million dollars for not making the barrier soft enough."

Porn Bagels - So, your career in the porn business is over. You cannot produce cheesy 1970's era porn anymore because it is not the 80s. What do you do? You open a deli and make bagels. What would it be like to know that the hands making your bagels, were the hands that were involved in thousands of bad porn movies? I'm hungry.

I'm Healthy!!! - There are a lot of do's and don'ts about health. I just learned one that I do, and I am going to keep on doing. Hahahahaha. Don't make your bed. That's right. Its healthier. Made beds grow more mold and mildew, and attract more dust mites. Unmade beds are healthier. So, you really were right when you thought mom was trying to kill you when she told you to make your bed.

Gizmodo - Robotic Porn Calandar?

Singles Ad - Craigslist. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I want one of the ones on the right hand side.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again, Trevor's Back...

Magical Trevor 2 - I soiled myself when I saw this show up. Trevor ROCKS!!! I've been waiting for Trevor 2 forever. Load times are a slow, I'm sure they're getting tons of hits. If you havent' seen the first one, here it is.

Origins - StrongBad gets an Email, asking for the origins of the stick. He ends up explaining the origins of almost everything. This is one of the better ones.

Searching For Souls? - Prank phone calls with satan searching for "souls." Hilarious.

Monitor Cleaner - I found this absolutely hilarious.

I Know What I'm Doing - This guy is a well trained professional. Don't try this at home.

Mmmm... Burger - I really wish I knew the exact size of this burger.

WOW - This one shocked me. My jaw hit the floor. It involves a woman, and a balloon. She does the impossible with it. This could be aired on regular cable, but not on network TV. That's my guess at least.

The Idiotic Food Survey

While doing my news reading, I found a survey that peaked my interest. They did a survey on good and bad chain restaurants. Some of the good ones I hate, some of the bad ones I don't mind. It just really seemed like a really poor list.

Listing McDonalds and KFC does no one any good as far a regional lists go. I don't care if Northeasterners hate KFC, I like my damn KFC. Westerners hate McDonalds. Too bad, sometimes I need some double cheeseburgers and I don't like Burger King. Everyone knows what those places are like.

Then, we have the regular restaurants listed. I see one consistantly listed across the US, that I have to bash. Olive Garden. I hate to break this to all of you, but the Olive Garden is FAKE!!! It is not REAL italian food. Its nasty as hell. Far from authentic. I don't care what the commercials tell you. They lie. The food there tastes nothing like my families cooking, nothing like my friend's families cooking. The Olive Garden has destroyed Italian cooking. I wish they would go bankrupt.

After saying all that, I must comment on the midwest fast service list, the article gave. I'm not big on chain restaurants, as they usually make me sick, and the food and service are terrible. Fast food places don't though. Grease is my friend.

Number one was Panera Bread. I never even heard of this one. I think the voting was fixed.

Number two was Quiznos. Quiznos is good. I think everyone has had their subs. No need to comment.

Number three was Papa John's. UGH!!! This is some nasty ass pizza. It's like Little Ceasars. Nothing good or special. Stay away. One good thing on the menu. The breadsticks. They are good after a night out partying. Breadsticks good. Pizza bad.

Number four subway. Jared is a bitch. Everyone has access to subway.

Number five is Wendy's. Ummm. Yeah. Better than BK or McDonalds. Think Y'all had it.

Worst is Hardee's. I will not disagree with that. Of course those only exhist in rural areas at truckstops.

Now, time for me to do my list of local chains that are good and why. I shall start with the burger places.

We have Steak and Shake. They rock. Good burgers, great shakes, a little too expensive. I won't order anything smaller than a double. The burgers are too thin. Fries tend to be a little soggy.

Schoops. Even better. Fatter burgers. Better fries. Some people have issue with their burgers, since the edges are extra crispy. For some of us, that's the best part.

White Castle. Its an aquired taste. Famous from Beastie Boys lyrics and some movie, the white castle is a unique burger. I have to order 4-5 of them. Some of my friends order 10. Small. The meat is about 2mm thick. They go straight through you. They are nicknamed "sliders." Made of pure grease. White Castles has other great things too. Good fries, onion rings, and, the LEGENDARY, chicken rings. Yes, chicken RINGS!!! Its as simple as it sounds. Rings of chicken, breaded, and fried. BBQ or Honey mustard dipping sauce. White Castle is open 24/7. Its the place to get food at 3AM after being at a bar because no where else is open.

Hmmmm.... I don't have much on other places, because I am not sure what is in other parts of the country, besides the burger joints. I stick to hole in the wall, non chain restaurants for the most part. When in doubt, I go burger. So.... ummm.... That's my list.

(source)

Punxsutawney Phil is a Biznitch

Many have heard of that character known as Punxsatawnee Phil. He is a bitch. Yes, his predictions mean nothing to me. I rely on a much more powerful and more accurate source. Now, one may wonder, where would I find such a source? It was in the very house I lived in. I shall change her name, to protect the innocent. Her name shall be….
Doom-Peace.



Yes, that is her. She goes by many other names too. She is also known as, the Foo Fighter. In this picture, we can see the Foo Fighter pinning her opponent, but it also shows off some of her other features of great power.



On her back, you may notice a lightning bolt. Those don’t grow on trees, those DESTROY trees. Notice the stripes on her sides? Yes, those are the characteristic stripes of the Liger, which we all know are bred for their skills in magic. I know that each of you accept her mighty power now that I have given you Doom-Peace AKA the Foo Fighter’s references.

She is the predictor of the coming of spring. She isn’t a little bitch like Punkabitchy Phil, oh no. She saw the sun today. She saw her shadow. She basked in it. She enjoyed it. Spring will be here early this year. Rejoice, but not just this second. There were a few clouds. So expect a little more winter. Doom-Peace has made her decision, and it is so.

Polling Day

Today's poll is a bit more straightforward, and is going to end early, due to its timing. Its simple really. Who do you want to win the Superbowl. I'm a football fanatic, so I had to ask. I listed three choices (yes, I know, only two teams.) I have to give people a third choice. I get more votes that way. Patriots, Eagles, and Ditka. Can tell I live near Chicago huh? So, take your pick.

Last weeks poll, is getting killed. Beavis (Jenna Bush) handily defeated Butt-Head (George Bush). It was the biggest landslide in my polling history.

1. 88% Beavis (Jenna)
2. 13% Butt-Head (dubya)

Presidential Election 2008 is now TIED!!! Yes, there is a tie for the lead. Homer and Dave tied, with Mikey and Billy taking third and fourth.

• 34% Dave Chappelle as RICK JAMES BITCH!!!
• 34% Homer Simpson with The Bee
• 21% Michael Moore with extra Cheese
• 10% Bill O'Reilly with a Falafel